She shook her head slowly.
“Sex. When I’m with a woman, I forget, for a moment, the smallest moment, about pain and loss and death and disfigurement. I forget the smell of burning cars and bodies and children’s screams. I forget the noise of missiles sailing overhead, the rumble of explosions, the squeal of ambulances. I forget the heat of the desert and the taste of sand in my mouth and sweat all over my skin. I forget the stench of…all of it, just for a while.”
Her stomach squeezed and her heart rolled, because it was both so poignant and desperate and also so devastating for Abby. Because finally she understood. She’d used him to get over Eric, at least initially, and he’d used her to get over the war. Just like he’d used lots of other women. It pushed what they’d shared into a different box in her mind, so she knew how hopeless it had been to love him. How stupid. How destined to fail.
“And when I’m with you,” he said, the words slow and drugged, heavy with emotions she couldn’t comprehend. “It’s like the world’s on fire in a good way. It’s like the stars are shining just for me. It’s like I can fly, and everything’s okay again. Really okay.”
Her heart skipped a beat. So not just like the other women, then.
He caught her face in his hands, holding her still, staring at her. “What is it about you?”
She went to shake her head, but he held her steady.
“Why you?”
She bit down on her lip instead.
“That month we were together, I honestly felt like the ghosts of my time in Iraq were dying. I thought I was normal again.”
“Youarenormal,” she whispered. “If somewhat traumatized by an experience that is highly traumatic. If that’s not normal, I don’t know what is.”
“It was a long time ago. Over ten years.”
“Time doesn’t heal all wounds.”
“Speaking from experience?” His words were soft and they reached inside of her, stoking a flame she wanted extinguished. Her heart thumped and her body tingled. They were close. Too close to think rationally, too close to ignore the way her body was responding.
Every day since he’d left, it had hurt like hell. It had reminded her of the rejection she’d known all her life, rejection her father had washed over her with every no-show, every forgotten birthday, every missed Christmas. She couldn’t answer his question without giving too much of herself away.
“I want to help you.” She lifted a hand to his chest, pressing it there, wishing she could take away his pain, telling herself the reason she cared so damned much was because this was the father of her daughter, and she owed it to Charlotte.
“Do you?” His eyes locked to hers, sparks flying from their fascinating depths, and then he was lowering his head, kissing her, slowly at first, as if testing her, giving her a chance to pull away, then deepening the kiss when she didn’t, so his mouth dominated hers, removing doubt and pain with pleasure and heat. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t speak. She could only feel, and every nerve ending in her body was leaping and flicking, spinning out of control. But beyond the drugging need of this kiss, beyond the soft little moan she heard escape her crushed lips, there was a darkness within her soul that was taking over, reminding her forcibly of the past, of her own pain and nightmares, of what resulted from abandoning herself to this passion. The darkness was there, but so perfectly offset by the light of the flames of their desire, that she could ignore it. At least, for now.
His hands caught the bottom of her camisole, lifting it just an inch, so his fingers could trail over the bare flesh of her stomach, towards her hips, and when he touched her there, holding her body possessively against his, so she could be in no doubt of what would happen if she didn’t put a stop to this, she almost crumbled completely.
She wanted him. Every cell in her body was desperate for him. She felt it in the quivering of her cells, the tingling of her nipples, the warmth between her legs, the beating of a drum in the region of her heart, the beat of their lovemaking, demanding to be accompanied.
But his words were throbbing through her, dragged by the darkness of their past hurt.When I’m with a woman, I forget.
She stifled a soft cry as she pulled away from him, her wild eyes hooking to his, her pulse out of control as she lifted her hands to his chest, this time to put space between them.
“No,” she shook her head for added emphasis. The look on his face was difficult to interpret. “I’m not going to have sex just so you’ll forget.”
In the dim light of the room, she could see the shift of his jaw, as though he were grinding his teeth together.
“When I said I wanted to help you, I meant that I’m here for you, if you want to talk.” She took a step backwards, her insides trembling for a different reason now. She was upset. Emotions were rolling through her, and she couldn’t make sense of them, but she knew she was going to cry and she couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing that. “There’s too much at stake for us to sleep together just so you don’t have another nightmare. I can’t be your sex therapy. But I will be your friend. I will listen, if you want to talk.”
And she backed away, then pivoted and began to walk towards his bedroom door. When he still hadn’t said anything, she turned back to peek at him. He was standing just as she’d left him, but now, his gaze was focused on the carpet at his feet.
“I just wanted to see that you were okay.” The plaintive words drew his gaze, and it was so intense it lanced her. She sucked in a sharp breath. He wasn’t okay. But he didn’t want to talk, and she couldn’t stay a moment longer or she knew she’d give in to temptation, to what her body wanted, and make love to him. For her, it would be meaningful. It would be beautiful. But for Gray, it would simply be the slaying of his demons, and just for the night.
She bit down on her lower lip as she went from her room to his.
Sleep didn’t come, so she was still awake when, ten minutes later, she heard the unmistakable sound of the penthouse doors opening, and then closing again.
He’d left, and she didn’t have to think too hard to guess where.
When I have sex with a woman, I forget.