Noah takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open for a split second. “Lauren,” he mumbles.
“I’m here,” I say through my tears. I lace my fingers through his. “I’m here, Noah. It’s okay.”
“Lauren,” he says again. “I’m sorry.”
No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop from crying. I cover my mouth with my hand, hoping to muffle the sounds of sobbing enough from Colin. A few minutes pass and I’m able to get myself under control. I mop my face with the bottom of my pajama shirt, and then go back into the living room with Colin and the dogs.
“Do you want me to stay?” Colin asks. I didn’t do a very good job covering up the fact I was crying, apparently.
“No, it’s okay. Jenny probably wants you home.”
“She’s not home; she got stuck doing a double.”
“Oh, okay. You don’t need to stay. I’m gonna sit in there with him and make sure he’s okay, but I’ll probably fall asleep soon anyway.”
Colin nods. “Are you two really done?”
“I don’t know.” My voice breaks. “Probably.”
“If that’s what you want,” Colin says and I know he’s confused since neither Noah or I offered an explanation. I don’t want to ruin Colin’s friendship.
“It’s not what I want, it’s what I need. I don’t want to think I can count on him when really I can’t.”
“I won’t tell you what to do,” Colin starts. “But I will say I’ve never seen Noah like that.”
“Injured?”
“No, I’ve seen that plenty of times. I mean sad.”
I close my eyes and fat tears roll out.
“I don’t know what happened,” Colin goes on. “But I do know he cares.”
That’s the best and worst thing to hear right now. It’s making my resolve waver.
“Thanks for picking him up, Colin.”
“Yeah … let me know what’s going on, okay? And if I have to throw a few punches, I’ll at least wait until Noah’s stitches are healed.”
“Thanks.” I step forward and give my brother a hug. I lock the door behind him when he leaves and turn around, leaning on it. I suck in a breath, jaw trembling.
I hate this. My head hurts, though not as badly as my heart, and I know I need to get some sleep since I have to be up early for work in the morning. Sleep won’t come easy, and I don’t know where to sleep. Next to Noah? He’s injured…but we broke up. Being here is hard enough. Being in bed next to him…I’m not strong enough.
Ella has to come first.
If I lay down next to him, wake up to his arms around me, I might go back on everything. I can’t. Instead, I set food and water up for the dogs, check on Noah, then take a pillow from his bed and move onto the couch. Physically, I’m exhausted. Mentally, my brain won’t shut the fuck up. And Ella is right there with it, kicking and pushing on my bladder, making me get up to pee every few minutes.
Finally, I fall asleep, only to be woken up by someone gently poking my cheek. I open my eyes, to see Noah standing next to the couch.
“Am I dead?” he asks.
“What?” I push up. “No, you’re not dead. What’s wrong?”
He blinks, and I notice his eyes are super dilated. He’s still heavy under the influence of pain medication. “Are you sure I’m not dead? I woke up with the dogs. And now you’re here.”
“Why would that make you think you’re dead?”
“Because this is what I want. You, with me.”