Lauren.
She’s all I need. I miss her, and right now I need her. I’ve never told anyone about my asshole father, never let on how much it hurt me when he walked out. That I’m terrified I’ll be a shitty dad like he was because it’s in my blood. Because I don’t know what a father is supposed to do.
The more I think about it, the more enraged I become. Not just at the man who was supposed to be a dad, but at my mother. She shut me out when he left us. Buried herself in work. Left me to raise myself. I convinced the world—and myself most of the time—that it didn’t bother me, that the nights at home alone, heating up a shitty dinner in the microwave, and eating by myself at the empty kitchen table were fine.
My mind flashes to Lauren, exhausted after work, sitting next to a highchair, feeding Ella. They’re alone.
I’m not leaving them.
I’m not abandoning my daughter.
I’m never going to hurt Lauren again.
The rain comes down harder, making it difficult to see. But I don’t stop. I let out a breath, thinking of Lauren.
Her smile.
Her lips.
The way she sees the good in everything.
Her smooth legs, wrapping around me.
How good it feels when she’s holding me.
Her.
I let off the throttle, and the bike loses speed. My mind is on Lauren as I coast down, and I don’t notice it until it’s too late. Thank the fucking Lord I’m not going fast anymore. My tires slip on loose gravel. Time stops.
Everything happens in slow motion, yet passes too quickly for me to react.
I’m falling, body sideways just inches from the road. I hit the road. I’m skidding along, skin tearing, clothing ripping. I can’t stop. Can’t move. Can’t do anything but wait until it’s over and think of her.
Her smile. Her lips. Her kiss.
My vision starts to go black and pain takes over, deep inside my head. And I can’t help but think I will never feel those things again.
Chapter 23
LAUREN
“YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED,” Julia says as we go into work Monday morning. “Did the shower yesterday wipe you out?”
I force a smile. “Something like that.” Really, I was up all night crying. My heart is broken. It’s only been about twelve hours since I last saw Noah’s gorgeous face, and I miss him so much. So, so fucking much. Hell, I missed him this much only seconds after he walked out the door. It’s not the length of time passing between us, it’s knowing that this is how it’s going to be.
Me. A single mom. A working mom. Trying to figure it all out on my own. I’m not the first to do it, and I certainly won’t be the last. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. And right now I’m not sure I can do it. I’m not sure I can provide everything for Ella.
And really, that’s what matters.
My broken heart can heal. I can learn to sleep alone again. But Ella … I can’t even think of her wanting, of her needing something I can’t get her without crying.
I start the day, blaming the exhaustion on the pregnancy. The lie is bought with no question. The clock moves so slowly sometimes I swear it’s going backwards. But I keep pushing, because that’s all I can do. The current is against me, but I won’t drown.
I can’t drown. I won’t drown. Because I have Ella.
“Lauren,” Dr. Banfield calls when I walk past her office after going to the bathroom for the millionth time that day. “Any news from Purdue? I know letters are going out around this time.”
The words are like a slap to the face and I can’t help the tears that spring to my eyes.