Tears fill my eyes, shock mixing with hurt. I’ve never heard any sort of harsh words from Jenny before. It’s like ice water has been dumped down my back.
Part of me agrees with her: Noah has caused a lot of trouble, and if anyone deserves to be a father when it comes to Noah and Colin, it’s my brother. The other part of me thinks she’s being dramatic and needs to get the fuck over it.
While I don’t know what it’s like to struggle with infertility, I do know how hard it is to see someone have something you desperately want. I feel guilty all over again.
“So,” Katie says loudly from the hall, no doubt hearing part of our conversation. “Are you gonna call up Noah and act out that porn?”
I raise an eyebrow. “I’m not lactating yet. But maybe the other stuff … yeah, I’ll try it.”
Katie shakes her head. “It’s so weird knowing you and Noah are hooking up. I always thought he was good looking when we were kids, but you know me. I don’t date anyone younger than me.”
“I never would have thought we’d end up together,” I say. “Noah’s not the type of guy I’d go for.”
Katie gives me a small smile. “Just keep that in mind.”
“I will,” I promise. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, being too positive. But Noah has been playing the part of daddy-to-be perfectly. And that’s exactly what worries me, what doesn’t sit well in my stomach when I think hard about all this.
I’m falling for him, despite my best effort not to, and he’s just playing. Eventually playtime ends.
Chapter 14
Noah
IBALL MY fists, muscles tense and ready for the fight. If you asked what we are fighting about, I couldn’t tell you. I’m too drunk.
Fuck.
I went to The Roadhouse with every intention of letting Joey know I’m still alive and well, and that I’ll be a dad in the winter. I had every intention of leaving after one drink.
Yet here I am, drunk and picking fights, just like before. Things aren’t just like before. I know that, even as wasted as I am.
The first punch is thrown and I duck out of the way. There is still time to end this, to walk away and go home to Lauren. But I’ve never walked away from a fight. I can’t do it now.
I hurl my arm forward, fist colliding with the side of the guy I’m fighting’s face. His name isn’t known; all I know is he did something to piss me off. Or maybe he hasn’t.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on edge, if all this baby stuff hadn’t rattled me. Because it has. Baby aside, the more time I spend with Lauren, the clearer it is to me that I’m more in love with her than I thought.
And that fucking terrifies me.
I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to hurt her. And I don’t want to be a bad father, because that’s the worst thing I can do to her, right? Let her down and not take care of our child.
I rarely ever know what the fuck I’m doing in life. I race through things at a hundred miles an hour, and, somehow, they work out. Well, most of the time. There have been bumps along the way.
But when I know what I want, I get it. I’ve never had expectations for anyone else. Expect nothing, invest nothing, lose nothing. It’s been my philosophy for as long as I can remember. Have fun and fuck while I can. Live it up.
No expectations.
No rules.
No chance of getting hurt.
No chance of getting stuck in a loveless marriage with a child I didn’t want, a child I don’t want to be around. No chance of turning into my own father. A father whose emotions ranged from numb and drunk to angry and violent, with not much in between.
The guy stumbles back and crashes into a table, knocking beer bottles to the floor. Broken glass scatters along the ground. Fuck. Joey won’t press charges against me for damaging the bar, but I can’t avoid everything. Drunk and disorderly, public nuisance, the cops can get me for something.
I can’t do that to Lauren. I can’t do that to our baby.
Something inside of me protests as I whirl around and storm behind the bar. Somethingelseinside of me trembles and I fear this is all for naught. I am completely in love with Lauren Winters, more so now than ever. If she doesn’t love me back, all this change will be for nothing.