Her heart had chosen who she wanted, but her head was telling her it was a bad idea. Dorothy was fed up with the fighting inside her.
Frederica led her into the garden, and they moved out of sight of the windows, weaving through the bushes until they reached the pond with the intricate water feature in the middle. The large stone bird bath had water cascading out and trickling down, sliding in amongst the rocks scattered below. Frederica sat on the grass, gesturing for Dorothy to sit with her.
“Let’s take a moment out here. And please, just talk to me.”
Dorothy sat, plucking the grass. She absently picked one blade apart, piece by tiny piece, as she tried to find her words. How did she start this? Whichever way she said it, she would sound like a fool.
“Gabriel just said he was going to propose to me this afternoon,” she said quietly.
Frederica didn’t look surprised.
“We surmised this might be happening. But how do you feel about it? After all, it’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?”
“I wanted to find a husband and get to choose. But …” Dorothy bit her lip. She really needed to stop crying. That was all she seemed to do lately. “Gabriel is a safe option. He would give me security, and my parents wouldn’t have to worry about me.”
“And you don’t want to marry him.”
It wasn’t a question. Dorothy hung her head.
“I must be a coward, Frederica. You told me to give myself the confidence I need to do something for myself. To be more … daring, I believe you said. But when I need it the most, it deserts me, and I’m left unsure what to do.”
Frederica shifted around to fully face her, adjusting her skirts to cross her legs.
“Tell me what you really want. Say what you actually desire.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You can try. You know I won’t judge you for it.”
Dorothy knew that. But she still felt like she couldn’t properly confess it all to Frederica. Not without completely breaking down.
In her head, she slowly counted to ten. She could do this. She needed to admit it out loud.
“I can’t marry Gabriel when I’m in love with someone else.”
Frederica didn’t look shocked. If anything, her expression said she knew this was coming.
“You want to be with Lucas, don’t you?”
“I thought with those rumours about him and multiple women, plus him wanting to marry me because it was the right thing to do, that I would not want him anywhere near me. But I gave him a chance because everyone wanted me to. And I … I opened my heart to him.”
She snapped the blade of grass in half, tossed it aside, and picked out another one. “Then he had to talk to me like marriage was an inconvenience. If he had been saying it because he loved me, then … well …”
“You would have said yes immediately,” Frederica said softly.
Dorothy nodded.
“It’s awful, isn’t it? He had many lovers on the side, and I want to marry him.”
“Dorothy, you do know those rumours about the many lovers are false, don’t you?”
“I want to believe it …”
“Then believe it,” Frederica said firmly. “Lady Marcia concocted it because she didn’t want any other woman paying Lucas attention. As for the rumours that Gabriel was talking about … let’s just say you were getting lies right from the source.”
It took a moment for Dorothy to realise what she had said. She stared at her friend.
“Are you saying that he made those up as well?”