It was as far as she got before his lips silenced hers.
"I thought of different ways to do this. Taking you for a drive one night, or a walk on the beach next full moon. Or for a fancy dinner at the hotel. But this is the right way for us, the right place, and the right time. "
The little flutter in her stomach was a warning. But she couldn't step back. She couldn't move at all.
"I thought of different ways to ask you, what words might suit best, and how I should say them. But the only ones that come to me right now are I love you, Nell. Marry me. "
The breath that she had been holding released as joy and grief waged a helpless war inside her. "Zack. We've been together such a short time. "
"We can wait a while to get married if you want, though I don't see the point in it. "
"Why can't we just leave things the way they are?"
Of all the reactions he'd been expecting, the hitch of fear in her voice hadn't been among them. "Because we need a place of our own, a life of our own, not pieces of yours and mine. "
"Marriage is just a legality. That's all. " She turned away, reached blindly into the cupboard for glasses.
"For some people. " He said it quietly. "Not for you or me. We're basic, Nell. When basic people fall in love, and mean it, they get married, start a family. I want to share my life with you, make children with you, grow old with you. "
Tears threatened. Everything he said was what she wanted, so deep in her heart that it was into her soul. "You're moving too fast. "
"I don't think so. " He took the box from his pocket. "I bought this today because we've already started our life together, Nell. It's time to see where it takes us. "
Her fingers curled into her palms as she looked down. He'd bought her a sapphire, a rich, warm stone set in a simple band of gold. He'd have known she would need warmth and simplicity.
Evan had chosen a diamond, a brilliant square in platinum that had sat on her finger like ice.
"I'm sorry. Zack, I'm so sorry. I can't marry you. "
He felt the slice through his heart, but he never flinched as he watched her face. "Do you love me, Nell?"
"Yes. "
"Then I deserve to know why you won't make a promise to me, and take one from me. "
"You're right. " She struggled to steady herself. "I can't marry you, Zack, because I'm already married. "
Nothing she could have said would have stunned him more. "Married? You're married! For God's sake, Nell, we've been together for months. "
"I know. " It wasn't just shock she saw now. It wasn't just anger. He stared at her as if she were a stranger. "I left him, you see. More than a year ago. "
He struggled over the first hurdle. The fact that she'd been married and hadn't told him. But he couldn't make it over the second. That she was married still.
"Left him, but didn't divorce him. "
"No, I couldn't. I-"
"And you let me touch you, you slept with me, let me fall in love with you, knowing you weren't free. "
"Yes. " It was so cold, suddenly so cold in the little kitchen that it penetrated her bones. "I don't have any excuses for it. "
"I won't ask when you were planning to tell me. Obviously
you weren't. " He closed the box with a snap, jammed it back in his pocket. "I don't sleep with other men's wives, Nell. A word from you, one goddamn word from you, and we wouldn't have gotten to this point. "
"I know. It's my fault. " As his anger grew, hardened his face, she felt the strength she'd rebuilt draining away like the color in her cheeks.
"You think that makes up for it?" he shot back, as temper and misery careened inside him. "You think taking the blame for it cleans the fucking slate on this?"
"No. "
"Goddamn it. " He spun away from her and caught the way she flinched at the move. "I'll yell when I need to yell. You're only making me madder standing there like you're waiting for a punch. I'm not going to hit you. Not now, not ever. And it's insulting for you to stand there wondering if I will. "
"You don't know what it's like. "
"No, I don't, because you won't tell me. " He reined himself in as much as he could, though temper was still sparking. "Or you tell me just enough to keep things running smooth until the next time. "
"Maybe that's true. But I told you I couldn't tell you everything. That I wasn't going to go into the details. "
"This isn't a damn detail. You're still married to the man who did this to you. "
"Yes. "
"Are you planning on ending the marriage?"
"No. "
"Well, that's plain enough. " He snatched up his boots, his jacket.
"I can't let him find out where I am. I can't let him find me. "
He started to yank the door open, then stood there a moment, his hand on the knob. "Did you ever stop and think, just once did you ever stop and look at me and know I'd do whatever needed to be done for you? I'd have done it, Nell, for a stranger, because it's my job. How could you not know I'd do it for you?"
She did know, she thought as he walked away from her. It was only one of the things that frightened her. Unable to cry, she sat miserably in the house she had made safe, and empty.