CHAPTER41
SYDNEY
I shutmy laptop and swiveled in my chair. I’d spent the whole day burying myself in work and in this new client that Serena had handed me. Keeping busy prevented me from thinking and drowning in my own sadness. I knew how this could get. I’d been crying since yesterday. If I wasn’t occupied, I’d be a puddle.
A knock on the door forced my head up.
Serena walked in, in her pressed navy skirt suit. She wore that same pitiful look of sympathy in her eyes. “Are you okay?” she asked for about the millionth time today.
It hurt to smile, but I forced one anyway. “I’m fine. So, I have the proposal drawn up for Declan Brewery. Do you want to review it?”
She shut the door and sat in front of me. “You’re not okay, Syd. This is me.” She placed both hands on her chest. “You can tell me anything. You don’t have to put a front up like you do for everyone else. We’ve been through the most bullshit together, so you know I know you.”
The strain on my face magnified, and I bit down on my cheek. I was one second from breaking down, but I wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t allow it. “It sucks. Yes. But you know it was for the best. Austin and I are just not meant …” I paused. It felt like someone had poured acid in my throat. I couldn’t even get the words out.
“You know that’s bullshit, right? You can’t even say it.” She scooted her chair forward, resting her forearms on my desk. “You’re meant to be and all that jazz. The only person keeping you from being with Austin is you.”
“It’s complicated.” A flimsy excuse, but I wanted things to be easy. Then again, when had my life since my mother had died ever been easy?
She shook her head, her eyes showing disappointment and concern. “Complicated only because you’re making it that way.”
“He’ll never accept us,” I whimpered, too close to tears. “Brandy broke him, Serena.” I stood and pointed a shaky finger her way. “Tell me you would have a clear conscience if you were me, being with Austin even though it would hurt Alec to do so.”
She sucked in her bottom lip. “That’s the difference between me and you. I’d feel guilty, but I’d still pick me.”
I jerked back. “You’re such a liar.”
“It’s the truth.” Her eyes were firm and steady, never wavering from mine. “You’re one of a kind, Sydney. It’s no wonder Austin is so smitten.” She stood, and I saw so much love in her eyes. Love for me. “Do you think for a second, if you were Alec and roles were reversed, Alec would pick you over Brandy?”
Serena sighed, rewording. “If you were with Austin for years and he cheated on you and, all of a sudden, Alec met Brandy and fell in love … you think Alec would leave her, choose you?” She waited for a response, but she knew she wouldn’t get one. “He wouldn’t,” she answered for me, her eyebrows pulled together. “And the thing is, if roles were reversed, you would never ask him to choose.”
I heaved out a giant breath, tears watering my eyes. She was right. I would never ask Alec to choose me over his own happiness. “What do you want me to say? Admit that Alec is way more selfish than me? We all know this. We practically raised the boy into the spoiled brat he is today.” I hated saying it out loud. It made me feel like the worst sister, but it was true.
She pulled at my hands, forcing me to look at her, and she gave me that authoritative sisterly stare. “I want you to go and find your man and give him a big smooch and tell him you are sorry. Alec will get over this, just like he’d expectyouto get over it.”
“He’s gone,” I cried, no longer able to hold the tears back. My shoulders slumped against my office chair.
She frowned. “What do you mean, he’s gone?”
“I mean, he’s on a plane to California for rehab,” I huffed loudly. “I was supposed to go with him, but with all of this happening … ugh.”
“Well, that was a dumb move,” she said bluntly.
My chin trembled. “If you are trying to make me feel better, you’re failing.”
She shook her head and sighed. “I’m trying to make you see that you messed up.”
I ran my hands through my hair, wanting to pull it out. My body temperature rose, and I gritted my teeth, getting more livid by the second. “I just can’t believe he would put that on me.” I stood, shaking my head, my hands fisted at my sides as I paced angrily behind my desk. “I wouldnevermake him choose.” The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. “Why would he do that?” I threw up both hands as heat rushed to my chest, up my neck, until I felt warmth in the apples of my cheeks.
“Because he’s twenty-three,” Serena said. “Because he’s hurt. Because, like you said, he’s spoiled. And because you really never told him how you felt.”
“What do you mean?” I stopped pacing and blinked at her.
Serena held my gaze, sympathy in her eyes again. “Does he know you love him? You were so high strung on emotion that I don’t think you even expressed your feelings about Austin. You were blinded and consumed by Alec’s anger and wanting to make him feel better that you didn’t even tell him how you really felt. You never told him what you wanted. You never told him that this kind of stuff—thisfalling in lovestuff—doesn’t happen every day.”
The more she spoke, the more heat bubbled in my veins.
I clasped my hands together, rubbing them over and over again. “No, I didn’t tell him. But still, I can’t believe him. I can’t believe that he’d put me in this position, knowing he probably wouldn’t choose me.”