I shake my head. She’s wrong. I’m a fucking coward. “I choose to be alone instead of fighting against the current.”
Her hand caresses my jaw. “If that was the case, you would’ve rejected Matt from the beginning. Instead, you tried to work something out, because from the beginning you knew. He’s part of your soul. It’s hard to admit it, I understand. More so when you’re your worst judge. The way I see it, you didn’t want to fight when there wasn’t anyone worthy of your heart, and now…”
Now, I’m in love with her and Matt.
Now, there’s a reason to slay the demons.
Now, I have someone to hold me while I’m torn from the inside out while finding a new way to exist.
Now, I have them.
Now, I’m ready to surrender my heart and my soul to Thea and Matt.
“But what if I can never do it—” I slam a hand against the wheel. “Matt can’t go back to having a half-assed relationship. You deserve better too.”
“It’s time to let something go to start a new chapter. You’re holding on to the pain. Just release it. Choose yourself. The next sessions might be jarring. I can be in the waiting room. Maybe if you ask Matt, he’ll be there for you too.
“We’re here for you. I love you because of you, and I want you to share everything with me, not only the happy moments, but those times when you can barely breathe. But also, start loving yourself. Embrace every piece of who you are—even the broken ones.”
I park in front of the building where we live. Instead of taking her into my arms, I wait until we’re in the penthouse to push her against the wall and kiss her. I take her strength, give her my pain, and pray that I can continue along this road with her—with them.
ChapterSixteen
Tristan
I spendthe rest of the week and the weekend in California working.
Wednesday morning, I fly back home. My first stop is my therapist. I’ve been thinking about our last appointment since I left the office. Thea almost convinced me to talk to Matt. The fact that I had to leave before I could see him stalled the plan, and now I’m not sure if I’m ready to take that step.
“Why not?” my therapist asks.
“How do I approach it? Will he understand? Society sees men and women differently, and—” I close my mouth because Matt is not just any person.
“It’s hard to rewire my brain, be open to trusting others. It’s hard when it was easier to shut everyone out of my life.”
“Everyone,” I repeat.
Losing friends and classmates because of what happened to me made me a hermit. I’d rather stay away from people than be vulnerable. I’m not an introvert. I’m a fucking lonely man who can’t figure out how to get along with others.
I run a hand through my hair. “Time, I guess. I can only ask him for time and hope that I can catch up with him before he pushes me away. I’m too weak. Why bother?”
My mind is already focusing on the worst-case scenario. The part where they can’t handle my hang-ups, and they leave me behind.
“Tell me three words that define yourself,” the therapist says.
“Integrity, loyal, disciplined.”
“This isn’t a job interview, Tristan. I don’t need you to tell me the reasons why I should hire you for a position. There are three words you constantly repeat when talking about yourself: weak, dirty, coward. You believe the lies your family fed you.”
“I…”
Is that true? I recall my discussion with Thea. How she told me leaving the toxicity at home was brave. I never saw it that way, and we circle back to rewiring my brain. It’s too fucking frustrating to hear the same and feel unable to do anything to make it happen.
“It takes time,” my therapist says.
“What?”
“Your frustration is palpable. This is a marathon. Did you think about EMDR therapy?”