Prologue
Letter Topic: Hello, No Sex, Just Platonic…
Dear Ryan,
The Words & Letters App suggested your profile to me today, and I couldn’t help but notice that we have a lot of things in common.
That said, I’ve met quite a few douchebags and sex-starved assholes on here, so I need to make a few things clear upfront.
Should you decide to write me back, please know that I’m truly on here because I’ve never really been into Twitter, Instagram, or any other form of personal, social media. I genuinely love writing letters, having long-form conversations, and meeting new people.
That’s it. That’s all I’m here for.
I hope you’ll write back, and we can be friends.
(I already have a boyfriend, so don’t expect anything else.)
Bella
Letter Topic: Re: Hello, No Sex, Just Platonic…
Dear Bella,
Your profile was recommended to me today as well, but I didn’t reach out to you for that very reason.
We have too much in common, and given the fact that I’m sixteen years older than you, you’re probably lying about everything you’ve written, and I don’t have time to waste. (Twenty-six-years old with fifty fucking books published? You enjoy the occasional Cuban cigar? And you try to read two new books a week? Not to mention the other lies that you’ve listed.)
Perhaps, if you’d listed just a few things, I’d believe you, but not all twenty.
I’ve now written back, and we won’t be friends.
(Your boyfriend must not be a very good one if you have time to pen letters to a stranger. I expect to block you by the end of the night.)
Ryan
PS—There’s no point in writing a long message if your subject line gives everything away.
Letter Topic: Re: Re: Hello, No Sex, Just Platonic…
Dear Ryan,
Okay, fuck you.
I’m sorry that you’ve managed to live forty-two whole years under the pitiful ASSumption that there’s no way that someone younger than you could possibly be interested in the same things.
Then again, wait. I don’t currently have a stick wedged up my ass, so that’s one huge thing I don’t share in common with you.
Yes, I’ve published fifty books. It’ll be fifty-two at the end of this month.
My name is Bella J. Swan on amazon.
Look me up, asshole.
Bella
PS—There’s no need to respond to a letter if you’re going to be such an arrogant bastard about it. By the way, I just looked at your friends’ list on here. It’s at ZERO. (Seems like you should be thanking me for even using my time to bother sending you a message.)
Letter Topic: Re: Re: Re: Hello, No Sex, Just Platonic…
Dear Bella,
I must admit that I’m somewhat impressed with your sarcasm, but I’m still two minutes away from blocking you. Nonetheless, since you’ve caught me on the right night, allow me to address more of your bullshit.
‘Bella J. Swan’ has indeed published fifty titles on amazon, although I’m not sure that I can call them “books,” per se. With the exception of Deep Inside of Me, His Big Cock, & Filling Her Softly, all of the page counts are well below seventy. (If you are who you claim to be, I think you should spend your time adding more pages to your books, instead of wasting your words on letters to people you barely know.)
I clicked on the ‘Look Inside’ feature for His Sexy Bride, and the book is so damn short that the free ten percent sample only gives me the table of contents.
Find someone else on this app who has time for you.
Ryan
PS—Your friends’ list is at ZERO as well.
Letter Topic: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello, No Sex, Just Platonic…
Dear Bella,
Wait a minute.
You’re clearly writing under a pen name—both here and there, and against my better judgment, I ventured to your author website and read through your blog’s first few pages. (Some of your blog posts are longer than some of the books you’ve published, but I digress.)
I noticed that you’ve previously written about some things that we have in common, that you have an appreciation for the written word, and that—despite my baseless ASSumption, you do read two new books a week.
I’m not interested in being your boyfriend or doing anything more than having long-form conversations—just like you.
My apologies.
I’d like us to start over.
Ryan
Seven months later…
ONE
Bella/Christina
“Can you believe that your father is having another kid with that skank?” My mother’s voice sounded over my speakers Saturday morning. “Next time you fly over there to see him, tell him I said that he needs to grow the hell up! He’s fifty years old and still making babies like hotcakes.”
I groaned and held a pillow over my head, trying to block out her words, but it was no use. My mother’s voice could overpower the loudest of thunderstorms.
“And did I tell you about Max?” She shrieked. “He had the audacity to think that I wouldn’t go to the judge and demand alimony. He made five hundred thousand dollars a year when we were together, and he thinks he’s going to walk away without giving me a dime? He must not know who he’s dealing with, Chrissie!”