‘You can.’
‘I thought you were the one person who had never lied to me, Nick, but you’ve been knowingly lying to me all along. You say you’ve loved me for years but for years you let me think the opposite. I understand your reasons for it, but you treated me horribly. With the impression you gave of disdain and disapproval you made me feel even more worthless than I already did. You hurt me.’
He flinched as if I’d slapped him and went white beneath his tan. ‘I didn’t know that.’
‘For me, what we’ve been doing has always been a short-term thing. It’s all it ever could be. I never asked you to fall in love with me. I never wanted it. I certainly don’t deserve it.’
‘You do. Everyone does.’
Not me. ‘You couldn’t possibly understand.’
‘Then explain it to me.’
‘I have nothing to offer and I can’t be responsible for other people’s happiness,’ I said, my throat tight, my heart beating impossibly fast. ‘The breakdown of my parents’ marriage. The affair. Our misfortune. My father’s heart attack. It was all because of me.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
‘My father and I were like two peas in a pod. Right from the start, we were close. Really close. On reflection, exclusively so, sometimes. Maybe it was because I looked so like him. I don’t know. But Seb told me once that my mother had told him she felt invisible and neglected. She admitted to him that she was jealous of our bond. I’m the reason she had the affair. I’m the reason my dad tried to win her back and lost everything in the process. It’s all my fault.’
‘That’s insane.’
‘It’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to live with it. Regret doesn’t constantly hover around the edges of your conscience. Guilt and shame don’t niggle away at you day and night. You weren’t there. I was. I know what happened.’
‘You know what you think happened.’
I bristled. ‘What does that mean?’
‘I know your mother regrets your estrangement. I know she can’t understand it.’
‘How?’
‘She and my mother talk from time to time. They discuss us.’
Us? There was no ‘us’. I could never be part of an ‘us’. And how on earth could my mother not understand the reason we barely spoke? I’d ruined their marriage. Wasn’t it obvious? ‘It’s not her fault.’
‘It’s certainly not yours. If anyone it’s your father’s. It was his marriage to ruin and he was no saint.’
What didthatmean? ‘Yes, well, he’s not around to ask, is he?’
‘I think you’re using it as an excuse,’ said Nick, not quite so steady now, not quite so calm. ‘I think you’re scared.’
‘Of course I’m scared. I’m terrified. Why do you think I haven’t had a long-term relationship since my one pathetic boyfriend ghosted me the minute I became penniless? I’ve spent years building up my defences to protect myself against hurt and to become as invincible as I can possibly be. To let no one close enough to threaten that. I’m not going to throw it all away just because you claim to be in love with me.’
‘It’s more than a claim.’
‘So you say.’
‘You calledmefrom Zanzibar.’
‘Because there was no one else.’
The tension throbbed between us. Then Nick shoved his hands through his hair and rubbed them over his face.
‘You know what?’ he said, resigned, defeated, hollowed out. ‘Fine. Have it your way. Be obstinate. Stick your head in the sand. I’ve waited for you for years, Millie. I’ve been tormented by you and wanted you and loved you for years. I had hoped that at some point you’d come to realise you feel the same way.’
‘I don’t.’
‘I get it. Believe me, you’ve made yourself perfectly clear. So enough. We’re done. Go ahead. Pack up your things. I’ll take you to the airport myself.’