But if I’d hoped he’d take offence and storm off in much the same way he had earlier, the sharp shake of his head suggested I was to be disappointed.
‘When we’re finally getting somewhere?’ he said, fixing me with a dark look that burned right through my skin and into my soul. ‘Not a chance.’
In response to the glint in his eye and the determined set of his jaw, a tremor of alarm ran down my spine, followed hot on its heels by the need to set him straight. ‘We’re not getting anywhere.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘This—’ I waved a hand between him and me and the console table around which the torches, bottles of water and snacks lay scattered ‘—was a one-off.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
Of course I was. The part of my brain that was still drugged by the lingering memories of extraordinary pleasure and in need of another fix could forget it. Nick wasn’t a random guy I met in a bar and took home for the night. He’d been part of my life for over half of it. We had history. He was way too disturbing to fool around with further. He had the potential to threaten the armour-plated sense of self-preservation I’d worked hard to achieve.
‘One hundred per cent,’ I said with a decisiveness designed to eradicate the sliver of regret that nevertheless shot through me. ‘It was a brief, necessary release of tension. Nothing more.’
‘What if I want more?’
What? My heart gave a slight lurch. ‘Do you?’
‘Yes,’ he said, lifting his arms to fold them across his formidable chest.
‘How much more? A day? A week? What?’
‘More than you, by the sounds of things.’
‘Well,moreis never going to happen.’
His gaze sharpened. ‘Never?’
OK, so that was a bit revealing. It was hard to stay focused when he was standing there in the dimly flickering lamplight naked from the waist up, like some sort of gorgeous demonic Greek god. But I had to get a grip before I told him everything. ‘I mean, not at the moment and definitely not with you.’
He frowned. ‘Why not?’
‘Because my life is too complicated and you’re my brother’s best friend.’
‘So?’
‘Imagine the awkwardness when things eventually fizzled out.’
‘It would be no more awkward than the last thirteen years have been, and what makes you think it would fizzle out?’
‘Neither of us has any experience of a proper long-term relationship,’ I said, thinking of the way I never allowed anyone close enough to attach myself to them for anything longer than a week or two and his revolving blondes. ‘My only one was a disaster and yours last no longer than a month. And then there’s the fact that you’re you and I’m me.’
‘Which means what?’
‘You’re successful and brilliant. You know exactly who you are, where you belong and where you’re going. I’m a failure and not brilliant at all. I don’t have a clue who I am or where I belong or where I’m going. I grew up with everything, then had nothing and am now potentially on the way back to where I started. It’s incredibly confusing. You’re supremely sorted. I’m a basket case, riddled with hang-ups and issues. Quite apart from anything else, the differences between us are chasm-like.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’
Now it was my turn to fold my arms across my chest and arch an eyebrow. ‘In what possible way?’
‘You’re not a failure. You’ve made the best of the hand you’ve been dealt and no doubt will continue to do so. Your intentions for your money are sensible. Your marine conservation plans are exciting and well thought through. You’re gritty and determined. Resilient and hard-working. The way you adapt to your circumstances is impressive, your relentless optimism is enviable and even though I didn’t much appreciate the way you turned down my financial assistance all those years ago, I always admired your pride.’
I stared at him, my jaw practically on the floor. He’d rendered me speechless. I couldn’t even begin to formulate a response but that didn’t matter because he hadn’t finished.
‘Furthermore,’ he continued before I could even think about swooning at his...what was that? Praise? ‘I might know where I’m going and who I am, but sure as hell don’t know where I belong.’
At that, my head spun even harder. He had to be joking. He was so self-assured. His confidence bordered on arrogance. I’d never met anyone more comfortable in their environment, whether having come from the office or out here in paradise. ‘Seriously?’