Seeing his glare still firmly aimed at me, I used the very last drop of my energy to shout, “I was saving you!” I breathed deeply for a few moments, then added, quietly, “I was saving you, Rune! I was saving you from the pain. I was saving you from feeling helpless, like everyone else I loved.”
Rune’s dark-blond eyebrows became a hard line over his eyes. Confusion distorted his beautiful face.
I stepped back one more time. “Because I couldn’t see you, couldn’t bear the thought of you seeing what was going to happen to me. I couldn’t bear to do it to you when you were so far away.” Sobs left my throat. So many sobs that my chest began to wheeze through exertion.
I coughed, clearing my throat and moving forward to where Rune was standing still, like a statue. Laying my hand over my heart, I said in a croaked voice, “I had to fight. I had to give it my all. I had to try. And I wanted you along with me more than you could ever imagine.” My wet lashes began to dry in the cool breeze. “You would have dropped everything to try to get to me. You already hated your parents, hated your life in Oslo; I could hear it every time we spoke. You had grown so bitter. How could you have ever possibly coped with this?”
My head throbbed, a pounding headache taking hold.
I needed to leave. I needed to leave it all. I backed away. Rune remained deathly still. I wasn’t even sure he had blinked.
“I need to go, Rune.” I gripped onto my chest, knowing that the last piece of me would break with what I said next. “Let’s just leave this here, in the blossom grove we loved so much. Let us end whatever we had … whatever we were.” My voice had almost faded to nothing, but with a final push, I whispered, “I’ll stay away from you. You stay away from me. We’ll finally put us to rest. Because it has to be this way.” I ducked my eyes, not wanting to see the hurt in Rune’s eyes. “I can’t bear all the pain.” I laughed weakly.
“I need moonbeam hearts and sunshine smiles.” I smiled to myself. “It’s what’s keeping me going. I won’t stop believing in a beautiful world. I won’t let it break me.” I forced myself to look at Rune. “And I won’t be the cause of any more hurt for you.”
As I turned my head, I saw a fissure of agony fracture Rune’s expression. But I didn’t stall. I ran. I ran fast, just managing to pass my favorite tree when Rune grabbed my arm and swung me around again.
“What?” he demanded. “What the hell are you talking about?” He was breathing harshly. “You just explained nothing! You spout about saving me and sparing me. But from what? What did you think I couldn’t handle?”
“Rune, please,” I begged and pushed him away. He was on me in a flash, hands on my shoulders, anchoring me in place.
“Answer me!” he shouted.
I pushed from him again. “Let me go!” My heart raced with trepidation. My skin prickled with goosebumps. I turned to go again, but his hands held me still. I struggled and struggled, trying to get away, for once trying to flee the tree whose shelter always brought me solace.
“Let me go!” I shouted again.
Rune leaned in. “No, tell me. Explain yourself!” he shouted back.
“Rune—”
“Explain!” he shouted, cutting me off.
I shook my head faster, trying, to no avail, to escape. “Please! Please!” I begged.
“Poppy!”
“NO!”
“EXPLAIN!”
“I’M DYING!” I screamed into the silent grove, unable to take it anymore. “I’m dying,” I added breathlessly. “I’m … dying…”
As I clutched my chest, trying to catch my breath, the enormity of what I’d done slowly filtered into my brain. My heart pounded. It pounded from the onslaught of panic. It pounded and raced with the terrifying knowledge of what I’d just admitted … of what I’d just confessed.
I continued to stare at the ground. Somewhere in my brain, it registered that Rune’s hands had frozen on my shoulders. As I felt the heat from his palms, I also realized that they were shaking. I heard his breath, dragging and labored.
I forced myself to raise my gaze and lock on to Rune’s. His eyes were wide and racked with pain.
At that moment, I hated myself. Because that look in his eyes, that haunted, gutting stare, was the reason I had broken my promise to him two years ago.
It was why I’d had to set him free.
As it turned out, I had only imprisoned him with bars of rage instead.
“Poppy…,” he whispered, accent heavy, as his face paled to the whitest of white.
“I have Hodgkin lymphoma. It’s advanced. And it’s terminal.” My voice trembled as I added, “I have a matter of months left to live, Rune. There’s nothing anyone can do.”