I picked a therapist. After I got home from my first session, with my courage temporarily strong, I texted Axel for the first time since Christmas Eve.Are you mad at me?
His reply came a minute later.The fuck?
I stared at those two words. I looked out the window and saw his car in the drive, which meant that he was home. What was he doing? Drumming in his basement? Watching TV? Cooking? Lying in bed, like me?
You didn’t answer the question,I wrote.
Because it confused me,Axel replied.Of course I’m not mad at you.
You’re avoiding me,I wrote.
Because you want me to,he shot back.
That was kind of true, which made me ache. I didn’t want to see Axel, and at the same time I wanted to see him more than anything.
It isn’t your fault,I wrote him.I’m an idiot right now.
There was a long pause. Long enough that I wondered if I’d chased him off for good.
His reply, when it came, shocked the breath out of me.
I’m not mad, but if you talk like that again, I will be. Do not call yourself that. I don’t know what immature douchebags you’ve been dealing with, but I’m a grown ass man. So cut the shit and TALK TO ME.
My courage failed me then, and I turned my phone off without replying. But I lay awake late into the night, the words going around in my mind.
* * *
Another weekof avoiding each other went by, and I texted him again.
Me: We need a new espresso machine at the shop.
Axel: Is this you trying to talk to me?
Me: This is me telling you we need a new espresso machine at the shop.
Axel: Okay, talk to Grant about it. You’re working with him right now.
Me: How do you know that?
Axel: Because Grant hates doing the schedule, so I always do it.
Me: So that’s how you manage to avoid me?
Axel: I can’t avoid you. I live next door.
Me: And yet you avoid me.
Axel: Pot, meet kettle. You know you’re dodging me too. And you’re right to dodge me. You don’t need me in your life right now.
Me: Okay, now you’re being an asshole.
Axel: Not denying I’m an asshole, but I’m further along this journey than you are. Take my word for it.
Me: I’d rather not, thanks.
* * *
Axel:Why have you switched your shift for the past three Wednesdays? What are you doing on Wednesdays?