I’d had Tessa. And then I’d lost her.
One breath, and then another.
When the car had hit the guardrail seven years ago, I should have been knocked out. In a world with even an inch of justice, I should have been unconscious on impact, out of it until I woke up in the hospital.
I wasn’t. I was awake every minute as the paramedics came. Awake in the dark, unable to move, with Theo dead beside me in the driver’s seat. In a way, even though seven years had passed, that darkness was the same darkness I saw every night after the sun went down.
For a short while, I hadn’t faced that darkness alone. Those had been the best nights of my life. Tonight I’d be alone again.
On the table next to me, my phone buzzed. I closed my eyes, then opened them again and wheeled over to grab it. It was Nick, calling me. I swiped to cancel the call.
He called again. I cancelled the call again.
Before he could redial, I texted him.Leave me the fuck alone,I wrote.We’re done.
Then I turned my phone off, turned back to my computer, and got back to work.
THIRTY
Tessa: Andrew?
Tessa: Andrew??
Tessa: Please, please talk to me. It’s been three days.
Tessa: Please??
Tessa: Okay, if you won’t talk, then I will. I have no one else to talk to, anyway. It’s two o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’m lying on my sofa, wide awake, thinking about you.
Tessa: I guess that’s stupid, right? You’re not talking to me. I deserve it. Maybe you won’t talk to me again, because I freaked out the other day. I panicked. And I fucked up, just like you said.
Tessa: You were right, by the way. Nick talked to me. He tracked me to the grocery store so you wouldn’t know. He told me I’m not good enough for you, and I believed him. Or, the girl I used to be believed him. She’s gullible like that.
Tessa: And you were right that we talked about you behind your back. Like you aren’t a grown man who can have face-to-face conversations. So we both fucked that up.
Tessa: You aren’t talking to him either. I know because he found my number somehow and called me. He’s beside himself. He even went to your door and you wouldn’t let him in. If you’re not talking to me, you should at least talk to him. I’ve never heard a man so wrecked in my life.
Tessa: He loves you, by the way. A lot. I wish I had a brother who loved me like that. Or a sister. Any sibling, really. Seriously, Andrew. Talk to him.
Tessa: I miss you.
Tessa: I put in my nursing school application. It was lonely. I wished I had you with me.
Tessa: That sounds selfish, like it’s all about me. Except it isn’t. I want to do whatever you’re doing, talk about whatever you want to talk about. I don’t care what it is. Even if you want to yell at me. I just fucking miss you, you know? I fucking miss you.
Tessa: I made a mistake, and I know that. I’m sorry. But at the same time, that screwed-up girl lives inside me. I do my best to shut her up, but I don’t think she’ll ever be gone. She’s part of who I am. Does that make sense? Does it even matter?
Tessa: You haven’t blocked my number, so I’m holding on to that. Like maybe you’re listening.
Tessa: I miss sex with you.
Tessa: And all of the other things.
Tessa: I miss everything.
Tessa: Okay, I’ll shut up now. Good night.
THIRTY-ONE