“So, then, how can you forget about it so easily? I don't want you to let a man walk all over you,” her words made me nearly as angry as the reminder of Mason's lies did.
“I have not forgotten anything, and I'm not a doormat. I know that this is hard for you to understand. I'm still angry with Mason about everything, but neither of us reacted well to what happened to me.
“Thewholething was a fucking disaster, and honestly, it still is in most ways. But I love him. I could choose to hold that against him, or I could choose to let it go. You know what my choice is.” I watched my eyes in the mirror as I spoke, not hers. I needed to say those words to myself, to remind myself that I honestly did believe them, and I didn’t give a shit about anyone else's doubts.
I hadn't found a lot in my life worth holding onto, but as long as Mason tried his best to do right by me, I would do the same for him. Love isn't a neat thing you can easily categorize and control. It's a fucking tidal wave waiting to rip your sanity away. Even when it seems like calm seas and clear skies in all directions. Mason was worth the risk as long as he showed me that he genuinely tried his hardest, and I could only hope he held me to similar standards.
Emma turned over everything I said. She softened and tensed at once, her anger fading. “Okay, I get that. I do. I'm not sure I would feel the same, but I can understand it,” she paused, taking a deep, settling breath. The silence was so heavy I knew what she had to say next was the real issue. “But how can you get over the rest of it?”
I looked at her harshly, feeling a protective urge to defend my soon-to-be husband. “What exactly is the rest, Emma?” What did she think was wrong with him?
“He kills people. They allkillpeople, Claire. Doesn’t that bother you?” she wrung her hands together, obviously deeply upset by this, and I knew she wasn’t upset thatIwas marrying a liar or a killer. She was upset because she wanted to stand across from her own murderer, and say her own vows.
Fuck! Mason is right.
She wanted James, and she wanted permission to want him.
“I do care that he kills people. I'm not a monster.” I looked down, thinking hard about what I wanted to say to her. I had never confided in Emma about anything particularly deep. While she was my closest friend, that didn’t mean much as she was the only one I had besides James, Vick, and Sadar. “I cared more when I first found out and when he started on this journey of lying bullshit and crime.”
“Then whathappened?” She removed her nails from her palm, where she'd been digging them.
“I realized that I know Mason well enough to know what type of man he is. I know him well enough to see that sometimes he loves killing. He loves what he does, but he hates it in equal measure. He kills in a world that accepts killing. The syndicate members, sympathizers, and organizations like it, accept killing and death as a reality of life. He plays fair within that world.”
She said nothing for a few moments, “And that’s enough for you? That makes you okay with tying yourself to a murderer?”
“No. That makes it so I can sleep at night. What I consider enough for me to tie myself to a murderer is love.” I shrugged. “Ifyou love someone like that, you should understand it.”
She met my challenging stare with a look that told me she loved James more than enough to accept what he did if only someone gave her permission.
“Don't lose the person who means the most to you because society says he's bad. James is a better man than most I've met. It's not my place to tell you what to do, but it seems you're punishing yourself.”
“I’m not sure it’s that simple.” She fixed a loose strand of her strawberry-blonde hair.
“Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't, but I still appreciate your concern.” I looked at her then, “Do me a favor and back off about it, okay? Today is my wedding day, and I'm happy about it.”
“Of course, Claire. I'm happy for you.” She looked down, avoiding my gaze with a noticeable flush.
She helped me finish getting ready, but I asked her for a moment alone before we left. It wasn't easy to get to my ankles and shimmy the panties on, but I promised Mason those pearls would be rolling against my clit while we said our vows. Who was I to deny him at this point? Their cool feel startled me, but they quickly warmed against my skin. I took a few careful steps, softly groaning, when I realized how nice they felt. This sensation would become torturous fast.
I took a deep breath, keeping my expression calm as I opened the door and smiled at Emma, “Let's do this.”
Chapter 16
Claire
Weleftthesmallbuilding devoted to dressing bridal parties and passed through a covered walkway to reach the church's atrium. The air was cold, and I thought back to the childhood dreams of my wedding. I didn’t have too many of them, but I did think I would get married in the fall when all the leaves were turned and brilliant. I never considered being married on New Year’s Eve, in the dead of winter, yet it felt right.
Emma informed me the old stone church was part of a vineyard. They even had a large event hall for giant weddings and corporate gatherings, and a suite of guestrooms. Their main restaurant was often used for receptions but also served dinner and the vineyard's best selections during the week.
“Do you know if I’m having a reception?”
“You don’t know!?” she gawked at me.
I shook my head, undeterred by her attitude, “The details are a surprise. I’m just getting impatient.”
She forced a smile, “No, they didn’t tell me anything.”
We reached the end of the hall when two men in their fifties wearing light gray suits and vineyard name tags greeted us, offering me a warm smile and best wishes. I heard people talking behind the door, and I wondered what they might be saying. Was everything beautiful and in place as Mason planned?