“What’s going on Kai?” Flick asked, her voice shaking.
Kai frowned at her. “What do you mean?”
“Are we really going to play that game?” Flick demanded. “You’ve been back two days and something changed while you were away. You went away as my lover and came back as a stranger.”
“We’ve had sex since,“ Kai said, pushing his plate away and reaching for his beer.
Jeez, he couldn’t even say “make love”. Was that a big hint or what?
“What. Happened.”
Kai stared at a point past her shoulder. “This past week or nearly twenty-five years ago?”
Flick frowned, not understanding. “Would you like to explain that?”
Kai stood up so abruptly that his chair flew backward. He kicked it out of the way and walked out of the kitchen to stand on the back porch.
Flick watched him go and thought she’d give him a moment alone. After carrying their mostly full plates to the sink, she topped up her wine, grabbed another beer from the fridge, and joined Kai. She handed him the beer bottle, leaned her butt on the railing, and looked at his tortured face.
“Want to explain that cryptic comment?”
“Not really.”
“Do it anyway.”
Kai twisted off the beer top and shoved the cap into the pocket of his jeans. His white button-down shirt was rolled up at the sleeves and he looked hot and frazzled and oh-so-sexy. And miserable.
“When I first came to Mercy six weeks ago, I had just finished an assignment to train the bodyguards of a Saudi sheik who deals in oil.”
“Don’t all Saudi sheiks deal in oil?” Flick quipped, trying to break the tension between them.
Unfortunately, Kai’s sense of humor was AWOL. “He was a big player and he needed protection,” Kai snapped the words out. “I wanted him to employ Cas’s bodyguards, but he wanted me to train his own people. I did that but I had to do a quick, crash course. I told him that they hadn’t had enough training but he insisted that they were ready.”
Flick bit her bottom lip. She wanted to offer Kai reassurance, but judging from his stiff posture, he wouldn’t welcome her touch.
“The sheik and his guards were killed in Nigeria this past week. That’s where I was.”
Wooden words, choppy delivery. He sounded cold but she knew he was anything but. He was just dealing with a hell of a blow.
“I’m so sorry to hear that.”
When she looked into Kai’s eyes, she shivered. They were a cold, pale champagne color and filled with rage. She’d never seen him so angry. “It was my fault. And it’s not the first time I’ve been directly responsible for someone’s death.”
Ah, the rage was directed at himself. Good to know. “That’s a hell of a statement and even more of a cross to carry.” Flick kept her voice non-judgmental. “Want to explain to me why you’re responsible for a man’s death when he made the choice to employ his own guards and put himself in what I presume was a dangerous situation?”
“I should have insisted.”
“I’m pretty sure that you did. If I know you at all, then you did. Often and loudly.”
Kai didn’t reply but she could tell, by the stubborn lift of his chin, that her argument didn’t make a difference. She waited for him to speak again and knew that if she wanted more information she’d have to carry on with her teeth-pulling exercise. She had to know—she had to get to the heart of this man. Even if she had no future with him, and she knew that she didn’t, she would always regret not understanding the monsters in his head. She would love him whatever he said—she knew that like she knew her own heartbeat. There was nothing he could say that would stop her from loving him, but he would never understand that.
Kai had no concept of unconditional love.
“What happened twenty-five years ago?”
Kai flinched and Flick closed her eyes, imagining the emotional whip across his back. She winced internally but didn’t drop her eyes from his. She needed to know. Until she did, she couldn’t tell him that she would love him despite it.
“I killed my mother.”