My cheeks burn with embarrassment. “It’s just fun. Nothing serious.”
She nods. “Personally, I think it would be better to explore this dynamic with Nolan without talking to Katie first.”
“But wouldn’t I be lying?”
“It’s an admission of your sex life, not a lie.”
“With her brother.”
Hannah laughs. “I don’t know who my brother or sister-in-law will be, but I can assure you, I have no plans of talking to them about my future sex life.”
“It won’t change my relationship with her,” I say. “I mean, Nolan and I already discussed that we want to remain friends.”
“Friend with benefits.” She nods confidently, as though this is completely reasonable and normal, while the idea still has me feeling like I’m trying to breathe underwater. “My advice is to test it out. See if you guys enjoy it. There’s a chance you won’t. Last year, I had a huge crush on a guy, and we tried to sleep together, and it was just weird and awkward, and nothing came out of it. If that’s you guys, then you’re going to go through a lot of red tape to then backtrack.”
A pit forms in my stomach. What if sex with Nolan is weird and awkward? What if it’s terrible?
“These are the years we’re supposed to be experimenting and having fun. If it becomes more than casual, then you should tell Katie.”
“You really think so?”
“I do.” She nods. “I’ll take Katie out, so you guys have the entire house.”
I cling to her answer, wanting to believe she’s right because I don’t want to have this discussion with Katie, fearing she’ll forbid it or be upset with us.
“If this is what you want, Katie will understand. She knows she can’t control who you or Nolan date.”
I want to tell her about Nolan’s ex and how that ruined Katie’s friendship, but Katie reappears at the top of the stairs.
“Did loverboy miss you?” Hannah asks.
Katie’s smile is the only answer we need. “He invited us to come out with them.”
“Hadley’s going to stay home. She’s getting a headache. You go change. Carsen will be here any minute.”
Still beaming, Katie jogs down the hall to her room.
“Have fun, be safe, and text me if you need anything,” Hannah says.
“What do I wear?” I ask.
Hannah gives a Grinchy smile. “Nothing.”
I roll my eyes as she howls with laughter.
She sobers, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “Don’t overthink it. It’s casual. Wear whatever’s going to make you feel good.”
I nod, feeling the same tingles of nerves I do at the prospect of public speaking. “Thank you.”
Hannah wraps her arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. “Of course.”
I head upstairs to my room where I stare at my closet, trying to decide what’s going to make me feel more confident. I hear Hannah and Katie giggle and the door close before forgetting about changing and heading into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I’m reapplying my mascara when Nolan and Hannah’s words replay in my head that we don’t need to make an effort because sex is a guarantee. I debate if I’m going to go downstairs and find him sweaty and gross post-practice, hair matted in three-day-old sweats.
I am so far in over my head.
I take a deep breath to settle my thoughts and racing heart, apply mascara to my other eye while trying to recall all the reasons this seemed like the greatest idea last night, and ignore the fissure of guilt that’s formed for not telling Katie.
Then I think about last night in the pool and the way I’d wanted him—the way he’d wanted me.