Yet something had gone wrong, and she’d died.
That must cause him a great deal of pain.
The pinch around her heart became more acute. No wonder he didn’t want to talk about it and no wonder he hadn’t been with anyone else. If he’d tried to save her and failed, that must have been...devastating.
Before she knew what she was doing, she’d turned her head slightly and pressed a kiss to the scarred skin beneath her cheek, her heart aching. She wouldn’t push him about this. She had no experience with grief—she hadn’t ever lost a person like that. She hadn’t ever had a person to lose, but that was beside the point. She didn’t know anything about normal human experiences and could offer him no advice. All she had was the comfort of her body, and if he wanted that, then he could have it.
It would be her pleasure—literally.
His hand tightened in her hair, pulling her head up gently, his gaze moving over her, assessing her. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Yes.’ She smiled, giving in to the heady feeling of being drunk on sex and on him. ‘Everything is fantastic.’
His hard mouth softened a moment, amusement flickering in his silver-green eyes. But then both were gone, his expression implacable once again. ‘First thing, little maid, is that I didn’t use any protection.’
A shock went through her. Protection, of course. She hadn’t even thought about it.
You could end up being pregnant. Already.
Her muscles tightened as a strange shiver went through her. And it wasn’t dread. What would it be like to have a child?Hischild?
You have no idea how to be a mother. You don’t even remember your own.
‘Second thing,’ he said before she could speak, ‘no, I didn’t plan on not using a condom the first time. Or the second time either. I wanted us to have more discussion about the subject. However...’ His eyes glinted. ‘It seems my control where you’re concerned isn’t as good as I’d thought.’
She swallowed, the warm glow of orgasm fading, something colder taking its place. She didn’t remember her own mother, that was true. And she had no idea what being a mother even entailed, just as she had no idea about being a wife. Every time she thought she knew what was going on, something would happen to show her that she didn’t, that she was still that ignorant, scared servant girl he’d rescued. The girl who didn’t even know her real name.
‘I see.’ Her own voice sounded small and colourless in the warmth of the room. ‘And what if I am pregnant? What will that mean for the year you promised me? Does it mean I don’t get to choose? Will we have to stay married?’
His gaze narrowed, became sharp, a storm-tossed silvery sea. ‘If you’re pregnant we will be keeping the child, understand?’
There was a fierce undertone in his voice, a note that vibrated just on the edge of fury, though she didn’t think it was directed at her. Whatever it was, though, it shocked her. Because when he’d mentioned children before, he’d done so very casually and in conjunction with bloodlines, rather than out of any desperate desire.
‘Yes,’ she said sharply. ‘But that’s not what I asked.’
His gaze flickered and the ferocity seemed to die out of his eyes. ‘Apologies, little maid.’ His voice was softer this time, yet no less rasping. ‘I didn’t mean to be quite so...vehement.’
And now she wanted to know why he was so ‘vehement,’ especially when he hadn’t been so before, but then he went on. ‘There is no need to discuss it now, not when we do not know if you even are pregnant. We can cross that bridge when we come to it.’
Briefly she debated pushing him for more of a plan, but then decided to let it go. She was relaxed and warm and sated, and so was he, and she didn’t want to ruin the moment with an argument. Besides, she liked being held against him like this. She’d never been held before, and it made her feel safe. As if here in his arms, nothing could touch her, nothing could take her.
‘It’s okay,’ she murmured, running her fingers over his chest. ‘I shouldn’t have been so sharp. It’s only... I’ve only had six months of freedom and... Well. Call it cold feet.’
Again, there was a slight softening around his eyes and his mouth. The hand in her hair shifted, so he was cradling the back of her head, his fingers pressing lightly yet firmly against her skull in a way she found pleasurable. ‘I can understand that. But should we end up having a child, it would not necessarily mean you’d be tied down.’ His mouth curved. ‘I am, after all, very rich and can afford any number of staff to help with its care.’
Its care...
Her stomach lurched again, the cold sensation returning. She had never felt her lack of past so acutely. She had no medical records, no family history... What if she passed on some terrible illness to her child that she hadn’t even known she had?
She turned her head away, trying to hide her reaction, because she didn’t want to talk about that. She didn’t even want to think about it, but the long fingers cradling the back of her head firmed, keeping her in place. His gaze speared through her, pinning her. ‘What is it?’
He wouldn’t let her not answer, that was clear, and she supposed she might as well talk about it. After all, in a month’s time she could already be pregnant. This was what being married was all about, wasn’t it? Discussions about children.
Rose swallowed. ‘I don’t know who I am, Ares. I don’t have a mother. I don’t have anyone. No family history. What if I’m a carrier for some awful disease? And what kind of mother am I going to be when I can’t even remember my own?’
He lifted one shoulder as if it didn’t matter. ‘You will be a perfect mother. You’re a warrior, I told you that, which is exactly the kind of mother I want for our child. And as to your past, well, we will find out.’
He said it like it was already a foregone conclusion. As ifallof this was a foregone conclusion. As if they already had children and they’d found out who she was, and it was easy and not a problem in the slightest.