Because despite the way my heart is hurting, I still love the man.
Last night, after letting out all the tears I thought I had, I tried to go to bed, but there was no way I could sleep. Not with all my emotions racing around in my head.
Eventually, I remembered the mental health course I took in the spring and got up around midnight to dig out my notes and texts. Not that learning from a textbook is anywhere near enough, but staying up until the early hours of the morning gave me the opportunity to deepen my understanding of what Hunter lives with every day.
There’s no denying I was, and to a certain extent still am, devastated his anxiety got the better of him and he tossed aside everything I thought we were building together so easily. But in the dark of the night, I made myself think back to the little pieces he told me about his struggles. The way his instant response was always one of self-doubt and self-criticism. Which is why I’m almost positive he didn’t mean the words “just friends.” I know that was his fear of rejection talking, his anxiety over my family finding out we were dating. Whatever his past wounds are, that’s what was in control of him the second my idiotic brother opened his big mouth.
As I get up this morning after finally managing a couple hours of sleep, I look around my house. The hurt I had managed to contain flares up again. Hunter and I were meant to be waking up in my bed after a fun night out. We were going to decorate my house for Christmas and spend the entire day together. Instead, I’m alone, and the boxes of decorations in the corner are silent reminders of that. All the understanding and compassion in the world doesn’t completely erase the pain I felt when he stepped away from me, away from us.
But as I stare at those boxes, I realize something. I’m not giving up on Hunter, or on us. I need some time, but I will do everything I can to make him see he can lean on me, he can trust me. Because I truly believe we’re better together. I’m lovestruck when I think of him. And the power of that love can eclipse his fears and worries. I know it.
However, first I need to deal with my brothers.
KAT: Listen up you jerks. If ANY OF YOU dares interfere or say a damn thing about the man I’m dating ever again, there will be hell to pay. I’m an adult. Fully capable of making my own decisions. So unless there is concern for my immediate safety, back the hell off.
MAX: Are you okay, Kat?
SAWYER: WTF baby sis. You can’t show up out of the blue with some dude’s hands all over your ass and not expect us to react
BECKETT: Speak for yourself, Sawyer. I think she can. Besides, Hunter isn’t just some dude. We know him.
KAT: And that’s why Beckett is my favourite brother. Yes Max, I’m fine. Hurt, yes. But not just by what Hunter said. When I’m ready to talk to you idiots again, we’ll be having words about this decree Sawyer gave apparently every guy in Dogwood Cove. But for now, if you guys know what’s good for you, you’ll leave me alone for a few days.
SAWYER: Not every guy. Just the first responders.
MAX: And the entire football team back in high school. Sorry Kat, we’ll give you some space. But you know we love you, right?
KAT: I know. But I’m really really mad at you right now. Well, I’m mad at Sawyer. But all of you better back off.
JUDE: What the fucking hell did you asshats do…
Group texts are a wonderful thing and the ability tomutetext conversations is even better. I drop my phone back down on the couch beside me and snuggle under my blanket, turning the volume back up on the TV.Head To Mistletoeis my comfort movie, my favourite Hollie Berry movie of all time. And seeing her on-screen is a good reminder of all the amazing things that happened in the short time since I first read her #claimyourcoal interview.
Hollie gave Hunter and I both the courage we needed to step out of our comfort zones, take a risk, and reap the reward. Being with Hunter was everything I hoped it would be. Having his attention, his energy, focused on me? I felt like the center of his world in the best possible way.
Moments later, my eyes are watering at the scene playing out on TV. Hollie’s character looks devastated as the hero walks away from her at the airport. A knock on my door is followed by the sound of a key in the lock. It’s either my mom, or Lily, but my money is on the latter since she doesn’t understand the concept of space.
“Kat? Babe? I have alcohol and chocolate. Which do you need?”
“You didn’t get the message I needed some time?” I reply sarcastically as my best friend storms into the living room.
“Nope.” She drops down onto the couch next to me and drags me into an awkward hug. “My best friend is hurting. You really think I could stay away?”
I adjust my body slightly and let her squeeze me tightly. “I’m alright, Lil. Really.”
She pushes me back and examines me critically. “Hmm. No mascara smears, no red eyes, and no empty bottles of wine on the floor. I might just believe you. Do you want to talk?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“Okay. Then what do you need from me? Distraction?”
This is why she’s my best friend. She might show up uninvited, but she knows when not to push.
“Wanna just watch the movie with me?”
Lily nods, reaching over me for the bowl of popcorn I haven’t touched. “You got it, babe.”
When the end credits start to roll, Lily turns off the TV and turns to me. “We don’t have to talk about you-know-who, but I do want to say one thing.”