But that relief came at a cost. Because confessing everything to Leo while we were at the hot spring pool meant telling him about more than just my financial struggles. It meant admitting my fears of losing him again. Opening my heart up to love, especially with him, is scary shit. But the alternative? Not having him and Violet in my life? Even more terrifying.
Keeping me up all night, overthinking every decision I’ve made in the last twenty years terrifying.
Obsessing about the feel of his arms and how much I miss his warmth terrifying.
Picturing my life without him now that I’ve got another chance to be with him terrifying.
Finding a way through my fear is proving difficult, which is why I’m instead choosing to distract myself and keep busy.
“Why isn’t your big, strong man helping us with this?” I drop another box of books down on the counter inside Paige's store. She looks up from the floor where she’s been sorting her new inventory to restock shelves.
“You volunteered to assist me, so I informed Wyatt he could spend the day at Oceanside. I believe he’s setting up storage racks for the kayaks that arrive this weekend.”
“It was a rhetorical question, Paige.” I wander over and sit down beside her. “Things are still good with you guys?”
My best friend’s brow furrows. “Of course they are. I would have spoken to you had I any questions or concerns that I felt you could assist me with.” She places a few more books on the shelf before looking at me again. “Wait. Is this one of those moments when your question was actually a reflection on something you wish to discuss about your own romantic situation?”
I let my head fall back against the shelf behind me with a thunk. “Maybe? I dunno.”
Paige shifts around until she’s parallel to me, leaning back against the shelves, our shoulders touching. “Are you still having some doubts about your relationship with Leo?”
“My life experiences may have left me jaded about love, but that’s kept my heart safe for twenty years. But now Leo and Violet are making me wonder if a safe heart is worth the loneliness. I don’t doubt his feelings for me. He says he loves me and I believe him. But I’m definitely having trouble believing it will last. Isn’t that normal?”
“No. Not in my experience, it isn’t.”
“No?” I twist my head to face her. “You’re telling me you never worry about things ending with Wyatt?”
To give her credit, Paige seems to consider my question seriously. Then again, she does everything seriously.
“I would be remiss if I ignored the fact that, yes, there was a time or two when I questioned if Wyatt truly loved me, but all I had to do was look at his actions and the way he treated me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what we have is real, authentic love. Now, whether that love will last forever? No one can ever truly know that. We are not omniscient, Serena. We are human beings. And human beings make mistakes, incorrect choices, and poor decisions. Life, or fate, whichever you choose to believe in, also plays a role. All you can do is have faith that what is meant to be will be. Enjoy the moment, as they say.”
“I would have never said you’d be someone to put blind faith in anything.”
“It’s not blind. Not at all.” Paige turns around and pulls a book off the shelf behind us, dropping it in my lap. It’s a romance novel, but one I haven’t read yet. “Why do you think we enjoy these books so much?”
“The really hot sex scenes?” I quip, but she just rolls her eyes at me.
“Romance novels put into words our deepest hopes and fantasies. Partners who accept us as we are, flaws and all. Passion, connection, commitment. A love that transcends space and time. These books let us pretend these things are guaranteed to everyone, even though our rational brains know that isn’t always the case. But do you know why I personally enjoy them?”
I shake my head slowly.
“Because they teach forgiveness. Every couple goes through a dark moment, that instance or situation when they question everything, when all seems lost. But somehow, they find their way to the other side and learn to forgive not only their partner, but themselves. That’s what love is to me. That up and down, but always finding your way back together. If it weren’t for romance novels, I don’t believe I would have been able to see the opportunity for true love when I was finally presented with it.”
She taps the cover of the book, and I look down at it.
“You might want to read this one. It’s about a divorced couple who reunite after several years and how they manage to rekindle their love, but more importantly, their trust.” Paige stands up, dusting her hands on her pants. “I’m going to go next door for lunch. Can I bring you something as a thank you for helping me with the inventory?”
“No thanks,” I mumble, distracted by Paige’s wise words and the book in my hands.
“Alright. Then take that book as thanks. And Serena.” I finally glance up from the cover. “If Leo is your opportunity for true love, don’t let your decisions be fueled by fear. You deserve more than that.”
That book sits on my desk all afternoon while I teach, my eyes going to it at every opportunity. I can’t get what Paige said out of my head.
Don’t let your decisions be fueled by fear.
God, is that how I’ve lived my life? Letting fear be in the driver’s seat? For someone who prides herself on being strong and independent, that’s an unsettling realization. But Paige is rarely, if ever, wrong.
When I finally get the studio locked up and make my way to my apartment, all I want to do is read. I’m not foolish enough to think a book holds all the answers, but Paige is pretty freaking smart. So if she says I should read it, then I want to read it.