Damn it, gone is the soft and easy energy that had finally come back between us this morning. I should have kept my mouth shut and not brought up that day. Judging by the way Serena’s entire body has stiffened and the fact that she’s shifted slightly away from me, I was right in thinking she was avoiding me this week.
“What happened, Tippy? Just now. And last week. Why are you pulling away?”
The words fall out of me before I can stop them. I don’t mean it to sound accusatory, but the flash of hurt on Serena’s face tells me she feels differently.
“Sorry. I didn’t —”
“No. Don’t apologize. I… God, what are we doing, Leo?”
Well, that’s not the response I was expecting.
“Now? Or in general?” I ask, not really sure I want to hear her answer.
Her laugh is harsh and cuts through the peaceful afternoon, leaving a jagged, painful opening.
“Both? I don’t know. You have a daughter, Leo. A daughter. Someone who needs you more than anyone or anything else. And I have a business that needs me. Can we really do this? Can we really give ourselves to each other when we’re torn in so many different directions?”
My mouth falls open as I try to unpack everything she’s just said. “What does your dance studio have to do with anything when it comes to us?” Maybe that’s not the right place to start, but it seems the easiest.
I see indecision warring on her face, and the realization stings that she doesn’t know if she can open up to me about whatever it is.
“I might have to sell the studio.”
I can sense that’s a massive revelation from her, but I still feel incredibly stupid because I can’t connect the dots.
“And?”
Serena leaps to her feet. “And? And that studio is my life. My dream. The only one I have left that I haven’t destroyed somehow. And now I’m going to lose it, just like I lost everything else.”
Carefully shifting Violet onto the blanket underneath me, I stand and take Serena’s hands, leading her a short distance away. “Slow down, babe. What the hell do you mean?”
Serena sags underneath my hands. “I’m losing money. I don’t have enough students or classes to pay my bills.”
I choose my words carefully. “Okay. We’ll come back to that in a second, I promise. But I want to talk about you thinking you’ve lost everything, or destroyed it, or whatever that insanity was.”
A sob escapes her as her arms come across her body and I watch the beautiful woman I love fold in on herself, crumpling under the weight of her emotions.
“Isn’t it obvious? Anything good in my life has never lasted. My family, my career, my relationships, and now my studio. What’s the common denominator, Leo?”
Jesus fucking Christ. “You seriously think all of that was your fault?”
Is this what’s holding her back? What’s making her pull away from me? Some fucked-up notion that she can’t have happiness in her life?
“Your parents’ divorce was not your fault. Your ballet injury was not your fault.”
“I disagree because I’m the common denominator. Besides, me leaving you? My studio failing? Thatison me, Leo. The two things that I’ve ever loved the most in life, I lost.” She’s openly crying now, her hands slamming down on my chest over and over. I take the hits, letting her get it all out.
“Oh, baby.” I stop her flailing hands with my own and crush her into my body. “Baby, you haven’t lost me. I’m right here and I love you. I always have.”
“But you’re not mine anymore.” She sounds so broken and defeated, and I’m at a loss over how to fix this.
“What do you mean I’m not yours? My heart has always belonged to you, Serena Matheson. And only you.”
“Not anymore. Now it’s hers.” Serena points to my peacefully sleeping daughter and something in my heart turns over. “Your heart belongs to your daughter. As it should. But where does that leave me? Because eventually, you’ll have to choose. Something will happen, like when she got sick, and you’ll choose her. You have to choose her. A parent should always choose their child.” The crack in her voice is a dagger straight to my heart, but that’s nothing compared to how I feel when she continues.
“And I won’t survive losing you again. Not now. Not now that I love you both.”
To say I’m stunned is a fucking understatement. I never realized the depth of damage her parents’ divorce did to her until this very moment. But before I can even open my mouth to respond, Serena pivots away from me and hurries back over to the blanket, frantically throwing her things into her backpack.