“Hey girl, I see why everyone was excited about your man, he is handsome!”
I wince, and Abby, of course, notices.
“Uh oh. What did I say wrong?” She comes around the pony to the side where I’m standing, slowly stroking the docile creature’s soft nose.
“He’s not my man. Not anymore.”
“Okaaay,” Abby says, stretching the word out. “Do you want him to be? Because from what I could see, that guy is definitely interested in picking up wherever you left off.”
Hope flares to life inside of me. “Really?”
Abby nods. “Oh heck, yes. He watched you walk after his little girl, and I swear hearts were circling his head. He still has it bad for you.”
“I broke his heart, Abby. I don’t know if he’ll trust me again. Heck, I don’t know if I trust me again, or him, or this, or anything!”
“Woah, slow down, Serena.” Abby lifts her hands to my shoulders, forcing me to face her. “You’re overthinking this. Whatever happened in the past is in the past. Right?”
I nod.
“Okay, then. He trusts you with his daughter, right?”
I nod again.
“Alright, so all that’s left is you trusting yourself. What’s that all about? This isn’t the Serena who takes life by the balls and runs the world,” she asks gently. But my walls are rigidly in place.
“It’s nothing,” I say stiffly. “You’re right. I’m overthinking things. Sorry to freak out on you like that.”
Abby holds me in place for another second, and I think she’s going to question me on my obvious lies, but thank God, she doesn’t. Her hands drop away and she takes a step back. “Okay, it’s fine. Why don’t we show Violet the piglets.”
We make our way back over to Leo and Violet, who is surrounded by goats clamouring for affection and treats. She’s giggling up a storm, and Leo is the happiest and most relaxed I’ve seen him since first running into him in town. It’s obvious that his little girl is his entire world.
I’m not wrong to wonder if I could actually fit in there somehow or if I’d always be on the outside looking in. And even if it did work out, Violet would always come first. As she should; as is right. But if my own father could abandon me, if my parents’ seemingly perfect relationship could fail, if my dream, my passion of dancing could be taken away from me, then why would letting myself fall in love with Leo — for a second time — be any different?
What proof do I have that love could ever work out?
The rest of the morning is a blur for me. I wish I could say that I enjoy every second of witnessing Violet’s joy around the animals, but the truth is, I’m stuck in my own head. I know Abby notices, and so does Leo. At least he’s too busy with his daughter to ask me about it.
Yet even my withdrawn mood can’t stand up to Violet’s exuberance when she finally got to ride Archie the pony. Especially when she refuses to have Abby lead the horse and insisted I do it instead. Her excitement is palpable, and the way she reaches over from Leo’s arms to hug Archie around the neck after her ride is absolutely precious. My face hurts from smiling so much by the time we’re done.
When we’re finally in the truck driving back to town, Violet’s babble erases any potentially awkward conversations at first. Until, that is, she falls fast asleep five minutes into the drive.
“Thank you again for organizing this, Tippy. I haven’t seen her that happy in a long time,” Leo says quietly. “And I haven’t seen her so connected with someone else, someone who isn’t family, I mean, ever.”
I bite my lip, torn over how to respond. But Leo beats me to it.
“But don’t think I didn’t notice you pull away. I know you, Serena. And I know when you disconnect and get stuck in that beautiful head of yours.” He pauses and I hold my breath, waiting to see what he’ll say next. “I know I don’t have any right to ask this... I mean, we’re not together. But we are, I think, friends. And as friends, I’m really hoping you’ll let me in and tell me what freaked you out all of a sudden.”
I wished Violet was my baby girl, that we were together. A family.
And that terrified me.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Sorry if I worried you. I just suddenly remembered an issue I’m having with one of my dance classes.” The lie rolls off my tongue easily but sounds as hollow as it is. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Leo’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. I can’t escape the guilt I feel over lying to him, but I also can’t see any way to ever tell him the truth.
I miss him, I want him, I want us again. But it’ll never be the same — not only because of Violet, but because of us. We’re not the starry-eyed teenagers we once were. We’ve lived our lives, experienced heartache, pain, grief, and it’s changed us both.
“Right. Dance.”
It doesn’t take a genius to read between the lines of those two words. His tone, his body language, everything screams at me that he knows I’m full of shit.