She’d have died for anyone she loved. Fought for anyone she loved. Sacrificed everything she had for anyone she loved.
SHE.
But SHE was I.
SHE was ME.
My mind came alive with rational questions.Why, what, how, when, where…
I knew what Hans was going to say before he said it.
“Feelings not thoughts, remember?”
I tried to heed his words as the memories slowed. I felt the years of love for Hans, and my darling Lillian and for Mark, the devout man who loved me after Hans was gone.
I was a widow twice over, even though the Church only ever formally recognised me as the wife of Mark. I’d been the emotional widow of Hans Weyer, too. And maybe on some weird level, that was why my grandmother had been so vicious with her dismissal of everything my soul had remembered. If she felt her own calling deep within, maybe her deeper self was protecting me from the pain she knew herself. She’d watched my grandfather die in an accident. She was a widow herself.
“Yes, there are many layers to people’s pasts and soul memories,” Hans said.
“And so many choices make along the way. Maybe not all conscious ones, I guess.”
“Indeed.” Hans squeezed me tighter, and then he smiled. “You never knew this, but I was going to relinquish my knighthood and vow of celibacy for you. I was going to ask you to be my bride, but I didn’t get the chance. I was captured on the day I spoke with the priest.”
I got a fresh rush of pain in my heart.
“I’d have said yes!”
“I know you would.”
I looked up at my beautiful Hans’ face through my tears, sobbing fresh at the recognition of the eyes I knew so well. They were greener now, yes, but they still had the same love in them.Love for ME.
He stroked my hair with a pained smile.
“The torture I endured was brutal beyond all words, but it was nothing compared to the loss I felt at watching you live your life without me.”
“You could have come for me!”
He shook his head. “Selflessness is the greatest gift of all. I chose my torment over yours, hoping you’d find a new love and a sweet Orcop life to keep you happy.”
“I didn’t have a happy ending though, did I? They drowned me as my daughter watched, with Mark’s body fresh in the ground! Why didn’t you save me? Why didn’t you save me and Lillian?”
Hans tensed as though I’d stabbed him.
“I swear to God, I’d have charged out into the sunlight a thousand times over and met my own doom to forego you yours, Katherine. But I was trapped in the tomb, locked in tight by Edwin. I felt your pain, but I couldn’t get to you.Thatwas my biggest pain, little one. That will be the worst sin I’ll ever live with. The shame will never go away. I should have known it was coming. I should have been tuned in enough to feel it.”
I tried to collect my thoughts, feeling sick to my stomach.
I was scared to ask the next question. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to speak it aloud, but Hans heard it anyway.
What happened to Lillian when I was gone?
“Your beautiful daughter lived a long life. She married a young man called Matthew and they had three children. Luke, George, and Elaine.”
I smiled through a fresh set of tears.
“She was very happy,” Hans told me. “She died a sweet old woman with her children and grandchildren around her. Luke and George had moved away to Wales, but they came back at word of her sickness. Elaine was at her side all through her life, with two girls of her own.”
The thought gave me a wave of sad relief.