I’d put her down as being in touch with everyone in a tiny village community, but maybe it was more than that.
“It’s definitely more than that,” Hans said. “She knows everything and uses it to her own self-inflated advantage. Her ego blew to sky high proportions from when she was tiny. She used her talents for manipulating the other children in the school playground, lording herself over them, and then she carried on. She calls itGodlyandknowing sinners, I call it being cunning and self-important. Being a bully.”
He was so angry as he spoke about her.Ashamed.
“Yes, I’m ashamed,” he said. “She was from such a decent background of people using their talents and empathy for goodwill, but she dismissed them as belonging to the dark side, whereas she’s the one who embraced the sins.”
“What sins?”
He counted on his fingers. “Pride, greed, wrath, and envy. She hasn’t done quite so well on sloth, lust or gluttony, admittedly, but there is still time.”
“Grandma’s a nasty cow, then. I always knew that much. But what has that got to do with my father?”
“Your mother fell in love with him,” Hans said. “He was visiting Garway for the masonic traditions, and she saw him up on Garway hill. There was an instant connection. The kind that sweeps people off their feet, as you well know.”
“Fated mates, but mortals?”
“Yes. Soulmates. The same thing, without the length of time of the undead. He knew who she was at heart. That’s the woman he fell in love with.”
“And they truly loved each other?”
He nodded. “For a short while, at least. It would have lasted an awful lot longer without the bitch of the Blakeleys cursing them from the off.”
I could hardly imagine my mum being with anyone. The idea of her being in love with an occultist just didn’t fit my idea of the puzzle.
“Your mother didn’t want to fall in love with your father,” Hans said. “Your grandmother has been in control of her since the day she pushed her from her womb, just as she likes to be in control of everything.”
That made sense to me. Grandma was always waiting in the wings to whisper her opinions to Mum. And Mum would agree with her, always singing from the same hymn book.
“Yes,” Hans continued. “Because that’s how your grandmother wanted it. And your mother allowed it, until your father came along.”
I felt a horrible rush of resentment at the thought of my father being so perfect when he hadn’t been a part of my life.
“How come he left us if he’s such an incredibleoccultist? Wouldn’t he just tell Grandma to fuck off and take Mum away from her?”
“And then would come the war,” Hans said. “The war of spirit, mind and body. And ultimate sacrifice. Your father wasn’t as confident then. He wasn’t as capable.”
“I don’t understand…”
“It’s a sad one to understand, little one. People wage wars inside themselves all the time, it’s a battle we all continually face. But your mother was a sensitive one, easily influenced by the grip of the woman who raised her. She’s been on the losing side of the battle from the start. And the same would have been true of your father.”
“She was in love with him, though,” I countered. “Wouldn’t that have been enough to fight any battle? I’d fight any battle for you.”
“Another beautiful sentiment.” Hans raised my hand and kissed it. “But your mother was already firmly in the grip of her influence. Your mother hadsinnedby then, by having sex with your father, and your grandmother told her so constantly. She believed you’d be born cursed and hellish, possessed by demons, and when you arrived as a tiny little child it was clear you hadgifts of the Devil,as your grandmother called them. They could see the magic in your pretty blue eyes.”
I remembered the way she’d judged me and told me off for everything I did. Every little fantasy I played out or story I made up. She’d tell me I was abad little girl.
Mum had watched. Mum had listened. Mum had believed her, and agreed with her, and told me I was a stupid, bad little girl along with her.
But maybe Mum had been afraid to show that true side of herself her whole life, and scared for me to show it too?
“Your father tried to reason with your grandmother and keep it civil once he knew for certain your mum was expecting a baby,” Hans said. “But he saw the heartbreak as your mother nursed you in her womb, praying she wasn’t carrying a demon child. Standing up to your grandmother would have waged a war beyond all measure. She knew every one of his secrets. She knew about his traditions and connections with the occult, and she would have used them against him. She would have turned faction members against faction members, and stirred up lies and disgusting rumours, and your mother would have been at the heart of it, pulled in all directions and tearing her soul apart.”
I flinched at the thought and Hans sighed.
“And she would have been tearing your soul apart along with it. Your grandmother would never have let your father take custody of you.”
“Take custody of me?”