He widened his eyes. “That’s not what I meant at all. Shit. I should have… Rowan is just better at this stuff. No, what I meant is…” He took a long breath. “Imagine if you knew that you had a use-by date.”
“Like milk going bad?”
He nodded, his breaths coming in and out fast. “Exactly like that. Would you care about rules? Probably not, right? So what I was saying was, if you have any interest toward being physical with me, with Caesar, with all of us, that is something I know we’d all like. If you don’t, that’s good too. Okay? It’s only what you want. I don’t want you to be held back because you think there are any lines. There aren’t, not like that. I don’t think you’re your mother. Before yesterday, I didn’t know who she was. I meet a lot of women like your mom. I don’t know that I’ve ever specifically met her. But you? You’re just this amazing girl who for some reason is giving me the time of day, even though I keep having to say stupid cryptic shit that makes no sense. I’d be rid of me. I’ll take you home if you want. For sure.”
I don’t know why I hugged him, exactly. Only, he looked so sad. Tanner really needed a hug in that moment. “Are you sick? Is that why you have a use-by date or whatever? I hate that description.”
“No.” He hugged me back. “But my family has expectations, I guess is the best way to say it. The rest of the guys too. The day those expectations come to fruition, my life will no longer be my own.”
We stayed like that, with him just holding me in his arms. Cicada song practically drowned out the sounds of crowds laughing in the distance. Those same cicadas, arisen only days earlier, would be dead soon. We weren’t even cognizant of their existence until almost the end of their lives. Their song was so loud, as though they knew they had little time to get it out before they couldn’t. Their song was so loud, I wouldn’t forget the noise for a long time after they were gone.
He smelled like cinnamon, a warm and safe scent.
Finally, I pulled back. I never knew what to do with other people’s expectations. No one thought I’d amount to anything. Sometimes not even me, and I knew I was smart. Life just sucked sometimes. “I might be a little sensitive about my mom too. And people’s expectations.”
“I get it. I do.” He squeezed me one more time. “Sushi?”
“Yes, please.”
I let him lead me inside a restaurant I’d never expected to see. Tanner’s explanation made sense. Maybe he was in the mafia or something. I was okay with not asking. I’d drawn a line, and he seemed to get it.
The restaurant was mostly empty. There was one couple in the corner of the room. They laughed quietly together, but we were seated well away from them. The hostess smiled at Tanner, but her eyes seemed wary. That was a weird thing to notice, but this night had been filled with weird. Ten, he’d told me. So I was on two and he was maybe on…five?
Four
I loved everything he ordered,even though I didn’t have a clue what most of it was. Tuna, I understood. And the salmon. Other than that, it was all mysterious fish and mysterious rolls that tasted like heaven in my stomach. Oh, and the green tea. I was full a lot faster than him, so I leaned back in my chair to admire him while he ate. I didn’t even feel weird about it, because he’d been watching me the whole time I’d been eating too.
“That was so good. Thank you. I mean…just, wow.”
He reached across the table. “You’re so welcome. I’ve never liked food more. Seriously. I think it was the company that made it so good.”
Maybe all the food in my stomach had gone to my head, but happiness felt like it seeped into my cells. “This was my first sushi, and if I kiss you, it would be my first kiss. So…I probably won’t kiss you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t know exactly how to go about doing that.” I set down my green tea. “And there is some truth, I guess.”
He leaned closer. “Do I have your permission to kiss you? If the moment calls for it?”
My cheeks had to be the color of a bright red tomato. Still, I’d opened this door. It was my turn to answer him. “You do, in the right situation. Yes.”
He took a sip, biting on the edge of the straw that stuck out of his diet cola. “Awesome.”
“Good, you two ate.” Rowan slid into the chair next to me, and I almost knocked over my tea, I was so surprised by his arrival. Where had he come from?
“Hi.” I laughed. Had I been that caught up in talking about kissing with Tanner? Well, yes, it seemed I absolutely had been. I was so ridiculously predictable.
Tanner shifted in his seat, leaning back. “Thought we were meeting you at Wanda’s.”
“Wanda’s?” I looked between them.
“I got tired of waiting.” Rowan gave me a sideways grin. “If you weren’t here, I would have tried all the other restaurants until I found you. But I see she was a yes for sushi.” He turned to me. “It’s good here, right?”
Rowan had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. It would be as easy to get lost in his as it was in Tanner’s. “First time. Nothing to compare it with. I do love food, though. I mean, this was, like, five birthdays for me.” I turned to Tanner. “Thank you for this, seriously.”
“You have no idea how much it was my absolute pleasure.”
Rowan squeezed my shoulder. “You guys done?”
“Yes.” Tanner signaled for the waitress, who had given us a wide berth after leaving our food with us, and she rushed over.
“It’s on the house.”