“What other choice do you have?” he says with a shrug of his shoulders. “You either keep doing this and keep being rejected at every turn, or you leave him be, let him come back to you in his own time, and then you can go from there.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I mutter sarcastically.
“I’m not saying it’s easy, but fucking hell, you’ve battled this for so long, looking for peace, but really, I think finding peace lies with you, and you alone.”
I let out a puff of air and think about what he’s just said. Is he right? Should I just let Danny go? Can I even really do that?
“Just don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve beaten yourself up for years, even gave up on your chance of love at one stage,” Anthony reminds me.
“Yeah, except I’m fucking her again, behind his back,” I fire at him.
“Number one, I know she isn’t just a fuck, Caleb. Number two, it’s not technically behind his back, because they aren’t together, and let’s be real here, you were with her first—”
“And that makes it better?” I interrupt.
“Of course it fucking does. It makes all the difference. You haven’t just fucked her because she’s some nice piece of arse who you’re planning on sleeping with and never calling back again,” he says with a scoff. “And number three, you deserve to just be fucking happy, Caleb.”
Just be happy.
I think back over all of the times that I’ve been happy, and only a few come to mind… when Danny was a baby and I was the one looking after him, and then Cameron, years later, the first and only woman who has ever made me feel that possessive, primal need to have her, be with her, make her mine and rip anyone to pieces who dares to touch her—my son included, and that’s just another layer of fucked-up added to the mix.
“I’m going to go and let you think on what I’ve said, but trust me when I say that holding back on what you truly want will only get you so far in life. And that’s usually pretty fucking miserable, eventually.” And with that, he gets up and leaves as I stay rooted to the sofa, slumping back in the seat sometime later, whilst my heart and mind are locked in a battle of their own.
ChapterThirty
Cameron
When I see Caleb at work the next day, he looks tired, like he hasn’t slept, and I see the sadness in his eyes too. I didn’t hear from him last night, so I assumed he was busy, and I don’t want to get all needy and shit, but the look on his face absolutely has me needing to know what’s wrong.
But we’ve only just started whatever the hell we are.
Would he want me to ask him?
Should I just keep quiet?
I don’t know what to do as I watch him walk along the corridor, and I fail to notice that he’s carrying a coffee in each hand because I’m so fixated on his face, until he’s stood in front of me, handing me one of them.
“Morning,” he says as he tries to muster up a smile.
“Morning, and thank you,” I say as I take the coffee from him.
“Can we talk?” he asks, and my stomach immediately feels like someone has dropped a fucking brick in there.
“Sure.” I turn and lead him into my office, because it’s closer than his, and I quickly get to work pulling the blinds closed. “Everything okay?” I ask, and immediately want to face palm myself, because everything is clearly not fucking okay.
“Just come and sit down, Cameron,” he commands, and oh fuck do I love when he’s like that, except this isn’t the time to feel all hot for him, not when he looks… dear fucking God, his eyes are smouldering… how the hell am I meant to keep cool when he’s looking at me like that?
I quickly make my way to my desk chair and sit back, gripping the arms and crossing my legs to stop the sudden ache for this man.
“I left at lunchtime yesterday, as you know, because I went to visit Danny,” he starts, and just like that, the heat has gone.
“Oh.” I’m not sure what else to say, so I wait for him to elaborate. I haven’t heard from Danny since the other day, thank goodness, and I think I must have gotten through to him about his weird behaviour.
“You can probably guess it didn’t go very well,” he continues, and I pick my coffee up and take a sip for something to do.
“And you’re telling me this because…” My voice fades off as I wait for him to finish the sentence for me.
“Because as much as it’s awkward, he’s a part of my life… or rather, he was…”