“A vibrating you, too.” He chuckled. “I have to be honest. Some really wicked thoughts came into my head while you were using it on me.”
I craned my neck. “Such as having both of them inside you at the same time?”
His mouth fell open. “How did you—”
I laughed. “Yup, you are definitely a twenty-first century gay man.” I lay my head back down. The only sound in the room was the crackle of the logs burning in the fireplace.
We need to talk.Except I didn’t want to, not after we’d made love.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he murmured.
“Not sure they’re worth that,” I lied.
“Then how about you tell me what it is that’s bothering you.”
I craned my neck once more, frowning.
He shrugged. “How long have I known you? Long enough to know there’s something badly wrong that you’re not telling me. So please, put me out of my misery.”
I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I sat up in bed. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t.”
“Do what?”
I gestured to the bed. “This. This once-a-year reunion, where we eat, talk, laugh, make love, make love again—it can’t go on.”
I couldn’t miss the flash of panic. “Why? Why can’t it?”
“Because it’s not enough,” I shouted. My words rebounded off the walls. He winced, and I instantly regretted my outburst. “I’m sorry, but I can’t keep doing the same thing. Spending an entire year waiting for one fucking night. Not a day goes by when you’re not in my thoughts. Yes, I’m doing my job, but it feels like my life is on hold, that I only start living when you walk through my door. And when you leave me…” God, this hurt.
“You feel as if it ends?”
I nodded. “And what makes it all the more difficult to share, is that I’ve known for a while now that—” I clammed up.
“Anthony. Tell me. No more secrets, okay?”
I focused on his sweet face, my heart quaking. “I love you. You’re so much more than my best friend. When I’m not with you, I want to be—only I can’t, can I? I can’t cope with being your lover one day a year.” I swallowed. “It’s not enough anymore.”
He studied me, and the silence that descended swelled until I felt it pressing on me, weighing me down. Finally, he sighed. “Then you have to make a decision.”
My stomach was rock hard. “What do you mean?”
“There are options you need to consider. The first one is that we call it a day.”
Dizziness stole over me, and my heartbeat raced.No. No.
“I did say many years ago that if either of us felt this wasn’t working, we should be honest and say so. Well… maybe this is that day.”
My throat seized. I didn’t want to lose him.
He gave a hard, obvious swallow. “I don’t want that either.”
Thank God.
“What’s the next option?” My voice croaked.
“We continue as we have been doing, making the best of it.”