When I looked up from Dotty, Dad’s gaze hit me and I lowered my eyes to my feet. I swallowed thickly.
I focused on Dotty and followed the doctor and nurse inside the former warehouse now hospital unit. I sank down on a hard plastic chair and watched as the doctor got to work. X-Rays, ultrasound, examination of the burns and broken bones.
Raised voices drew my attention to the front of the warehouse where Dad was obviously arguing with Nevio. It wasn’t Nevio’s fault. Savio headed for me with a reassuring smile. He squatted before me as if I was a small kid. In their minds I’d probably never lost the status of one, because they thought I was frail and breakable. Innocent. Kind.
I hoped Dad would take a close look at what I’d done, so he’d stop putting me on a pedestal.
“Hey, dollface, how ya doing?”
Dollface. That was still his nickname for me, and sometimes the rest of my family used it too. Because I was pretty and tiny. Because I was sweet. Because I seemed breakable at first glance.
“I killed a man today by burning him alive,” I said because it was the only answer I could give Savio at the time. I didn’t feel much of anything at the moment.
Savio nodded, still smiling. He touched my hand which rested on my leg. “Yeah, so we heard.” He tilted his head. His brown eyes remained kind. He didn’t look disgusted, only worried.
“Dad shouldn’t blame Nevio. It’s not his fault.”
Savio chuckled, glancing to the front where Nevio and Dad were still at it.
“Your brother hasn’t been the best example. His track record is really messed up.”
“That might be true, but it has nothing to do with what happened today.”
“You can tell your Dad that.”
Dad was moving toward me, his expression troubled, but also lingering with anger. I knew the latter wasn’t directed at me. Savio got up and gave Dad and me space. Dad pulled me to my feet and hugged me tightly. Then he pushed me back a bit and searched my face. I allowed him to look at me, so he could search for whatever he was hoping to find.
“Don’t fight with Nevio because of me. It wasn’t his fault.”
Dad’s expression tightened. “That’s hard to believe given his usual activities.”
“I did it. Not him.”
“It definitely wasn’t just Nevio. I certainly can be blamed too.”
“If it’s genetic, then you couldn’t have done anything different.”
Dad shook his head with a sharp laugh. “You’ve been spending too much time with Nino.”
I glanced past Dad, toward the doctor who was coming our way. “I have to amputate half of the tail, so maybe you should go outside while I do.”
He meant me. Dad would hardly be bothered by the sight.
“I want to stay,” I said.
The doctor looked at Dad for confirmation, and Dad nodded.
“Why did you kill him?”
I pursed my lips, trying to determine the reason for my actions. In that moment when I’d tossed the lighter at the man, I hadn’t really thought much. I’d acted out of rage and despair.
“I don’t know if I wanted to kill him. I wanted to inflict the same pain on him that he’d inflicted on the dog.”
Dad nodded. “But by setting someone on fire, you take killing them into account.”
“Yes.” I’d known he’d die. It was the consequence of my actions but not their purpose. “I’m not sad that he’s dead.”
Dad remained silent. “But you regret using violence?”