I heard every word she was saying but she might as well have spoken Japanese.
“I think we should cancel the wedding.”
“I won’t postpone the date. I’m already twenty-three, Amo. Twenty-three. Agostina has been married for three years and look at me!”
Maybe she was misunderstanding me on purpose. “I meant cancel the wedding, not postpone. I don’t love you, Cressida, and I never will.”
Fuck, I’d even entertained thoughts of disposing of Cressida and making it look like an accident. She didn’t deserve this. I didn’t love her, didn’t even particularly like her but she wasn’t an overly horrible person. She was egotistic and power-hungry, but many people were, and I wasn’t in a position to judge anyone for their sins anyway.
She shrugged as if it were inconsequential. “Love’s not necessary for what we have.”
“There’s someone else,” I tried again.
Her eyes sharpened but then she shrugged again. “Keep it quiet. I don’t want a scandal on our hands.”
“Do you really want to live like this? Knowing there’s someone else I’m with? Knowing we’re only married for appearance’s sake?”
“We’re going to get married, Amo. This is it. I won’t ever agree to cancel this wedding, never. And neither would our families, or the Famiglia. We are bound by our traditions, even you. Fuck that girl, I don’t care as long as it’s me they call Mrs. Vitiello.”
I shook my head, unable to believe that I was really supposed to marry her. Right this moment, I couldn’t imagine a worse fate.
Nevio was hung over on our flight back home to Las Vegas. Whatever he’d done at night had knocked him out. I doubted he’d done hard drugs. He wasn’t the type. What had gotten him so high was probably a potent mix of too much alcohol and violence.
Fabiano had pretty much dragged him into the private jet and was glaring daggers at him all through the flight.
Despite my worry for Nevio, I was glad his senses were clouded. My conversation with Amo yesterday and the kiss we’d shared had thrown me off completely.
I didn’t understand what I was feeling, only that it was so strong it made me feel claustrophobic in the sense that my heart seemed too big for my ribcage whenever I thought about Amo. I’d overheard Carlotta and Aurora talk about falling in love. It had never piqued my interest, had seemed something that wouldn’t happen to me, and definitely something I didn’t need. My life had been full. Filled with love and purpose.
Now Amo had somehow found the tiny hole in my existence I hadn’t even known existed, and I knew he’d leave a void once he left. A void that I’d never be able to overlook the same way I had before. I could try to fill it with new purpose of course but I had a feeling it wouldn’t fill the void.
I was already thinking about the moment he’d leave. It wasn’t a matter of if, it was a matter of when. Though maybe me leaving New York was the goodbye we hadn’t dared to voice.
My stomach dropped, my chest feeling hollow, empty.
When we arrived back home, Nevio disappeared in bed and I recounted my failed dance recital to my family.
“I’m sorry,” Mom said gently and kissed my cheek. “You look really sad. I didn’t know you wanted this so badly.”
Dad exchanged a look with Nino and Savio I understood too well. He was glad it hadn’t worked out so he was spared forbidding me from going there, because that’s what he would have done. I knew Dad. He considered his power in Las Vegas as endless and thus thought he needed to keep us all here to guarantee optimal protection.
I shrugged, not wanting to lie to Mom but glad that she thought my sadness was because of ballet. Her voice made me realize that I was sad and wistful, almost as if I were already mourning what Amo and I had had.
Eventually I excused myself from my family and roamed the premises. The bunnies had moved into their enclosure a few days ago and were taking well to it. I dropped off a bit of carrot greens and herbs before I went to my ballet studio to greet Bear and Momo. When I was gone, which usually never happened, Dad wanted them to stay there the entire time. Nino had taken them on walks and fed them, since his calm seemed to work well with them. I would have preferred Kiara, but Nino didn’t want her near Bear. Still I was glad when they both rushed my way with their tails wagging.
Ballet filled my head with calm but my animals filled it with purpose.
I rubbed their soft heads and sank down on the floor with a sigh. For the first time, I felt a little lost in my studio surrounded by my furbabies.
My thoughts were a whirlwind that kindled the embers of my always present anxiety.
I needed to talk to someone. I couldn’t carry this secret alone anymore. Usually, I always confided in Nevio. My secrets had always been his to carry, like his had been mine. But this was a secret I couldn’t confide to him. I had so many people around myself that I trusted with my life, so many people who loved me and who’d do anything for me, and yet it felt like this secret was only mine to carry. I couldn’t confide in my family because my secret felt like betrayal. But I’d never betray them, not for anything or anyone in the world, and could love ever be betrayal? I wasn’t going against them. But part of me wanted to follow my heart and that was leading me in a direction I’d never considered possible, away from them. For once I was truly alone.
I was glad for the dark but it didn’t help with my rising anxiety.
My breathing got labored. Despite the lack of sound and bright light around me, this felt like one of my sensory overload attacks. Bear began growling and shifted. He always got particularly protective when I was like this.
“Shhh, down,” Nino said.