So, we packed up everything and moved. I haven’t seen or heard from the guys since, and that alone is enough to break someone’s heart, not to mention living with the daily thoughts of what could be happening to Jagger and how there isn’t a single thing in the world I can do about it. That pains me, deep into my very soul, and I don’t think I’ll ever recover.
The images in my mind stop me from sleeping most nights, which is okay since Cody is a restless baby during the evening hours, much like his father. I lie awake more often than not, staring at the stars from my window and listening to the waves crashing against the shore. I don’t even know if Jagger is still alive. That thought makes me sick, it rips down to the very core of me and eats away at it, slowly but surely.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.
Not without him.
He is my missing piece and, without him, I’m simply not whole.
1
SIX MONTHS LATER
“Hey, my little munchkin,” Ava croons, swooping down to scoop Cody up into her arms.
He smiles at her. He has this big, beautiful smile that puts sunshine back into all our lives. He’s gorgeous, everything about him is pure perfection and beauty. He’s six months old now and the happiest baby under the sun. He reaches out and clutches Ava’s necklace, and she laughs.
“No, baby, that’s Aunty Ava’s special necklace.”
Like he cares. He pops it into his mouth and drool runs down Ava’s chest.
“You’re the only man I’d let drool over me.” She frowns, but the love in her eyes tells me she doesn’t care how much he drools on her.
I watch them, and my heart warms. Ava tells me that I don’t smile the way I used to anymore but my face lights up when Cody is around. That is more than a little upsetting, because I want my son to see all the beautiful things in me, all the pieces that I’ve squashed down. I want him to know joy.
“He’s a charmer,” I say, stroking his soft, dark curls.
“Oh, he’s a charmer alright. Where’s Jen?”
Ava puts Cody on the floor and hands him a pacifier, which he drools all over and then tosses on the floor with an angry expression. Yes, he’s like his father in that sense. The boy has anger issues. He’s calm and chill until he doesn’t get his own way, and then he turns into one hell of a fighter. He’ll go head to head with me, until I either cave and give him what he wants or out stare him and force him to accept defeat.
He's strong. I love that about him.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “She got a call and she rushed out. Maybe work?”
Ava nods, walking into the kitchen and pulling out a bag of grapes. She pops one into her mouth and chews, looking thoughtful. She ponders something for a minute and then leans her butt against the kitchen counter and looks to me.
“Do you think she’s seeing someone?”
I’ve considered it. “I mean, it’s possible. She’s out a lot lately.”
“Maybe she’s calling your mom?” Ava suggests.
It’s possible. My mom got released just after Jagger was taken. She wasn’t too thrilled to find out we were skipping a few states as soon as she was released. I think Jenny calls her every day, just to make her believe that we weren’t running from her. I’ve tried to tell her that too, but she doesn’t want to listen to me. She’s visited a few times but it’s not something any of us are very comfortable with. She adores Cody, though I would never fully trust her with him. Do I feel bad about that? Sure I do, but I have reason to stand my ground with it. I’ve forgiven her, and we’ve managed to build some sort of relationship.
It’s a start.
“I don’t think she’d hide that she’s talking to Mom,” I say. “No, it’s something more.”
Ava contemplates this, while sucking noisily on her grape. I raise my brows at her.
“What’d the grape do to you?”
She laughs. “It tastes better smooshed and decapitated.”
I scrunch my nose up. “Seriously, you’re twisted.”
She nods, like that doesn’t even bother her. “Totally.”
“How’s work going?”
Ava has taken up work at a local restaurant on the water. It keeps her busy, and I know she likes to work, but she also looks like she’s missing something that brings her joy, too. It saddens me that she’s hurt, and I can’t help but feel a little bad that she lost someone she cared about because I couldn’t stay.
She smiles. “It’s a good job, but it’s not something I want to do forever, you know?”
I nod. “I know what you mean. At least it keeps you busy.”
She nods, popping another grape into her mouth. “It does, if I don’t work, I’ll go crazy.”