But, I also knew that adult choices were things made by adults, not children. She could have all the best thoughts and wishes for me in the world, but it would come down to what Trevor chose to do with his job promotion and how I chose to move forward when he did reach that decision.
It wasn’t easy, that was for damn sure.
Especially since I felt that there were things in my life I had to put in front of the things I wanted. I couldn’t just run off into my happily ever after and not take care of the things that were going on here. What about my mom? What about my class?
What about Raya?
Texas was all the way on the other side of the country, and it would be a massive change in my life if I were to just move down there on a whim. But, it would also be with Trevor, so it might be the best move I could ever make in my life if I wanted us to work out and be together.
Right now, I just didn’t know what I wanted or which direction to take. The only thing that seemed to make sense was for this to all go away, but the only way for that to happen was for the course of history itself to be altered.
I wasn’t at all happy with this new development between us, and with each passing day, I felt it was a bad sign that we were drifting apart. I didn’t want Trevor to have to feel that way, but I also didn’t have anything I could do about it.
Unless I was going to tell him that I didn’t want him to take the job, or unless I was going to tell him I was going with him, there really wasn’t anything I could say about it that had anything to do with me. He was the one who would be making the money, and he was the one who would be choosing to make the move.
I was just someone on the sidelines.
I wanted to believe that my happiness mattered in this as much as anyone else’s, but it wasn’t the way I usually thought about things. I was a fixer in life, and that’s what I did to everyone around me. I would fix them and help them. I would make sure things went well for them.
The person I thought about last was myself, and that had cost me in life.
I didn’t want to lose Trevor because I wasn’t willing to stand up for myself, but every time I felt bold enough to say something to him, I was immediately knocked back with anxiety over whether it was my place to say something to him or not.
It was his job, not mine, and that’s really where I ought to leave it.
But, it was also our relationship. My relationship. I had a part in this, and he had a large part of my heart in his hands. I ought to have the courage to say something to him.
I just didn’t know what to do.
For the first time in my life, I was at a complete and utter loss.
And there didn’t seem to be a right answer in sight.
TWENTY-NINE
Trevor
The textingbetween me and Harper picked up on Friday, and I was grateful for that.
I made a point to text her at lunch and ask her about her day, being specific to show her I cared about her and what was going on in her life, not just asking generically as I would anyone I saw on the street.
I spent the rest of the week thinking about what Mrs. Elliot had said to me, and I was glad that she had been my first patient of the week. She really had given me a lot to think about while I processed what I wanted to do with this job offer, and what she said about Harper was so true.
There was always more money to be made, but there was nothing telling me that I would find love again. I could move on and live the life I thought I wanted with my career and the money and fame, but I could very well wind up alone that way.
I might have all the cool toys, but I wouldn’t have anyone to share it with. I would rather have a life where I could share things with someone special, even if they weren’t the biggest, fanciest things out there. And from what I could tell about Harper, she was very much the same way I was in that regard.
Harper knew the value of connection and the people she spent her life with. And I knew the value of relationship as well. I couldn’t see either one of us actually choosing wealth and money over true love and happiness. Not that it meant I wasn’t going to take the job promotion. But I did have to figure out a way for this to work for everyone, and that was going to be tricky.
Still, those were things I had on the back of my mind. Right now, I wanted to talk to Harper and hear how things were going, and I wanted to make sure she would hang out with me tomorrow. Even if she didn’t want to go out and do that thing I had planned, I still wanted to spend time with her. I didn’t even care if we spent the day shut up inside together and watching movies. That was also just fine with me.
My mind turned to Harper when she responded. It didn’t take her long to get back to me, but I knew she always took her lunch at eleven fifty, when the kids went out to play for their recess. They would have their lunch when they went back inside, and she would get the lesson ready for the afternoon.
From the sounds of things, she was having a long day, but a good one, and she was also ready for the weekend. I was rather annoyed that I hadn’t been able to see her all week, so I wanted to catch her early on before someone else came in and made plans with her to do something.
Though it had been easy enough to get a hold of her to hang out in the past few weeks, that didn’t mean things weren’t going to change when I made a decision about this job offer. Or, she might be the one to put some distance between the two of us for the sake of easing the blow should I decide I didn’t want to stay in the city and moved away.
I wasn’t afraid of her running off with another man or doing anything like that to spite me. Not with how good of a woman she was. But, I could see her wanting to hang out with Raya and doing something with her rather than making sure she had free time to spend with me.