But I am.
There is no way I’d be in New York if we hadn’t hooked up that night. He left an imprint on me that was slowly burning every day. Motivating me to try to find a way forward. And when it came, I took it with both hands. And having him with me now is going to be a dream.
Locating his house, I pause to stand on the opposite side of the road, giving the brown brick building a once over. With nondescript, black-framed windows and doors, it doesn’t tell me anything about him.
I push away my nerves knowing I decided to surprise him. So, I suck in a deep breath and roll my shoulders back before deciding it’s time to make my move. But, as I take a step forward to cross the street, a woman and a girl walk to the door, and he greets them immediately. My lungs are burning for the air that I’m depriving them of at seeing him again after all this time. I’m still more affected by him than I could have imagined. He wraps his arms around the girl, who looks to be a young teen, then smiles at the woman. My back tingles with unease as I wait for him to kiss her.
Standing here, watching, I should be worried I’m coming off as a creep, but I can’t drag myself away. My eyes are glued to them. I must watch the whole exchange in case I’m wrong.
I hope I’m fucking wrong.
The backs of my eyes sting with threatened tears, but I refuse to let them fall. Even if the evidence is right here, I need to see for myself if anything happens between him and her. But regardless, this means he slept with me when he had a child, and he never mentioned having a kid. I try to think back, and I guess we spoke about everything other than that. He said he wasn’t married, and he didn’t have a girlfriend.
Then who is she?
Looking them over, the woman has long, blonde curly hair, and she’s wearing what looks to be a designer navy jacket with blue jeans and heels. The girl has the same blonde hair but straight, and she’s wearing an equally put-together outfit minus the heels. I look down at my clothes, and I’m happy I didn’t wear sweats like I was going to.
As I’m assessing my own appearance, movement happens out of the corner of my eye, and I look up and watch as they all go into his house. He’s holding the girls hand.
I stand unmoving for a while, not knowing what I should do now. I expected to come here and want him to open his arms out to me?
How stupid.
I blink the tears away. Maybe this was a sign, and I need to see it for what it is. He wasn’t the one for me. I just wish my silly body wouldn’t react the way it does whenever I see him.
With no other reason to stand here as people walk past, I dip my chin and turn to leave. I still take in the neighborhood and stop at a shop I find along the way. Inside the convenience store, I grab a bottle of wine and some crackers and dips.
I have zero desire to cook tonight. I just want to drink wine and eat while watching a girly movie.
Should I call Ava?
I shake my head. No. I need some more alone time to process.
I step through the doors on wobbly feet. I barely slept last night. One, because it’s not the bed that I’m used to, and two, I was overthinking today and all the scenarios that could happen to me at this new job.
Today is a big deal. It’s the start of a new chapter. The start where I leave mypastof my family and Marc behind. Unfortunately, he lives here, so it’s not as easy to forget him as much as family.
While I loved Chicago for some people, the memories still live there.
I smooth down my new black suit, courtesy of Ava, who helped find me new work attire before leaving. Much more appropriate for a New York office and not a Chicago bar.
I love the way it hugs my curves and how much I feel like I fit right in, even if I’ve never been to New York, or even worked in an office before.
I’ve tied my hair into a bun that I learned off YouTube, in an attempt to try to give today everything I could.
Coming to a halt at the reception desk, I check in with her before following her directions and head to the elevator and hitting the button to the twenty-first floor.
I wish it were higher because my teeth are chattering with the nervous vibrations.
The doors open, and I push myself to move. Entering my office, I sit down and look around. I turn the computer on and begin searching to familiarize myself.
I hear a throat being cleared, and it makes me sit up.
“Hi, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just introducing myself.” The guy walks forward with a friendly smile.
“It’s okay. I was looking around, and I didn’t hear you,” I say, nibbling my lip.
“Okay, but did you need help? A tour maybe?”