I hoped things worked out. I really hoped things worked out, but with the Pipers heading into the semi-finals in three days, I knew I had to play better than my best.
The only thing holding me back was medical clearance from the team physician and trainer.
The doctor had done just that, that afternoon. I was healthy, fine. There wasn’t a single reason why they shouldn’t let me practice or play.
This was the reason why, three days later, I didn’t understand what the hell happened.
Iwasaware something was wrong when I realized that Gardner was avoiding eye contact during our semi-final pre-game practice, but I didn’t know for sure until he started going over the strategy he wanted to take against the Arrows.
“We’re going to make a few changes to the starting line-up for this game—“
Cue the screeching tire sounds in my head.
I fucking knew it. I knew down to the marrow of my bones what was about to come out of his mouth. My gaze shot over to the German, who was busy looking over Gardner’s shoulder, a furrow creasing the skin between his eyebrows.
He rattled off the names of the players starting: Jenny, Harlow, Grace, another and another and another. They were all names that didn’t belong to me. Disbelief made my face go hot when the only ‘change’ to the roster was my missing name, replaced by the same girl who was always competing with me when we did sprints.
“There’s no reason we can’t win this,” Gardner said in a confident voice while I stood there, humiliated and nearly ready to commit murder.
I tried to tell myself while he stood there babbling encouraging words that I shouldn’t take it personally. It wasn’t like he hated me and didn’t want me to play. I cared what Gardner thought about me, I really did. He’d always been more than simply a coach, he’d been my friend.
Jesus Christ, I needed to scream.
Someone else could have rationalized that he wasn’t starting me because I hadn’t practiced in two weeks, and I’d sat out the last two games, with the Pipers winning just fine. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I knew this decision had been made by someone else.
It was fine. It was totally fine, I reminded myself. Just because I wasn’t starting didn’t mean I wouldn’t get to play.
Yeah, I couldn’t believe that either, no matter how hard I tried. It was the freaking semi-finals, and I wasn’t going to play.
Big Girl Socks on.
This wasn’t the end of the world. This wasn’t the end of the world.
I let out a shuddering breath as Gardner wrapped up his speech. From over his shoulder Kulti was staring at me. His face blank except for how prominent his jaw suddenly became. I knew what he was trying to convey with that look alone.
He was telling me not to be him.
He was telling me to keep it together.
I needed to cool it.
Breathe. Deep breath.Big Girl Socks on.
Wait, wait,wait.
It was Harlow who came up to me first as the team broke up to leave. She put a hand on my shoulder and tipped her head down. “Sally, this is horse shit,” she said in that same volume she would have used if she were talking about the weather.
“It’s fine, Har,” I told her, even though it wasn’t. It really fucking wasn’t fine. The veins at my temples were throbbing, for crap’s sake. I didn’t even think I was capable of being so angry.
“Fuck that, it’s not fine,” she argued. “I’m gonna go say something to them—“
Patience, patience, patience.“No, don’t do that. Don’t bother, really.” I reached down to grab my bag and stood, attempting to calm myself. Looking back at her face, I swallowed and couldn’t help but smile at my buddy. She’d been there for me for so long. I put my arms around her and gave her a bear hug. “I want to tell you before everyone finds out, I heard they’re trying to trade me.”
She jerked back, her brown eyes wide in shock. “No fuckin’ way.”
“Yeah way. You see how they’re treating me. I’m going to try and get out before it’s too late,” I explained, trying my best to not sound sad about it. “It’s our secret. I have to tell Jenny—“
“Tell me what?”