A single tear slides down my cheek and a finger swipes at it. I flinch at the touch from someone else’s hand and twist to see Zebb in a dark suit sitting next to me.
“What are you doing here?” My voice cracks as I brush my other cheek.
“I’m here for you.” Zebb’s voice is quiet as he takes my hand and pulls it into his lap. He gazes over at the picture of my mother. “You don’t look much like her.”
“Most people would say I look like my dad.”
She was pretty at one time. In my memories, from when I was young. But what she’d done to me changed my impression of her outer beauty.
“He isn’t coming,” I say as if Zebb asked. “I’m here alone.”
“But you aren’t alone, angel. I’m here.” He squeezes my hand even tighter and lifts it to his lips.
“Don’t pity me, Zebb.”
He exhales, glances at my mother’s picture, and then turns to me. “I don’t. I feel sorry for myself. I knew this great girl once and I let her slip out of my life. Now she’s back as a woman I want to know, but she won’t let me close.”
“I’m sorry, Zebb.” More tears fall and they aren’t for my mother. They’re for me. This incredible man is sitting beside me, holding my hand, and I’m a hot mess.
“We can talk later.” Zebb swipes at my cheeks again and tugs me against his side, keeping his arm around my shoulder as we sit and stare at my mother’s picture.
“I don’t know why she didn’t love me. Why wasn’t I ever good enough for her to stick around or make contact after she left? How does a mother walk away from a child?” I had so many questions I’ll never have answered.
“I don’t think it was about you but more about her. She’s the one who had issues, Eva. Not you.”
I know this in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart. I know what he says is true, but I’m still left to wonder, why wasn’t I enough?
“I’ve been working so much, taking on extra time these last few weeks because I need the money. As next of kin, I’m responsible for all of this.” I wave out a hand. “When she couldn’t even be responsible for me.”
“Eva,” Zebb drones. “That’s a thought for another day. We’ll figure it out. Maybe she had insurance. Or benefits of some sort. But we don’t need to think about this now.”
“I’m so tired, Zebb.”
“I know, angel. I know.” He kisses my temple and tugs me tighter to him.
“I hate her,” I whisper, waiting on thunderbolts to strike me down.
“No, you don’t. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t care.”
“I wanted her to care about me. I wanted her to approve of me.
Zebb presses his lips to the side of my head. What could he possibly say to comfort me?
A few nurses visit. Two ladies I don’t know pay me condolences as if I should know them. The minister finally speaks a few words about faith and forgiveness. His words blur together. When the service ends, I thank the funeral director who tells me they’ll be in touch after the cremation. A box with my mother’s final belongings is handed to me.
“What are you doing now?” Zebb asks as he stands beside me, arm around me in the lobby.
“I’m supposed to go back to work.”
Zebb rolls his eyes and groans.
“But I think I’ll call in sick for the rest of the day.” I can’t handle people rushing in to exchange items or searching for after-holiday sales. I can’t handle people period today.
“Let me take you to lunch.” Zebb squeezes me and I reach for my phone, calling Bethany to tell her I’ll be taking the rest of the day off after all.
+ + +
Zebb drives us to a diner-like place. We order sandwiches and drinks at the counter, and then take a seat in a corner booth. The place is quiet. Then again, it is the day after a holiday and it’s snowing outside. The dark clouds feel appropriate.