We stare at one another when I don’t correct myself.
Everything inside me insists thisshould begoodbye. I don’t fit the picture of women who should be wives. A couple having a baby. A church full of families. It’s all a statement to what Zebb deserves and what I don’t have.
I weakly smile at him and slip my hand from beneath his, then walk to the curb and cross in the middle of the street, ignoring Zebb’s call of my name.
+ + +
The night after Tam’s Christmas concert, the doorman stops me upon entering my building. “You have a delivery.”
I’m completely taken aback by such a thing. I haven’t ordered any packages and I wasn’t expecting anything.
Hosea points to a small Christmas tree, that looks like someone chopped the top off an evergreen and set it in a metal bucket. “That’s for you.” His voice softens, sweetened by the gesture.
A gift bag is also haphazardly tied to a notch where a handle would hook. Once I awkwardly carry the tree up to my apartment, I find a card inside the bag.
Angel,
Tam wanted to give this to you last night. She wanted to help you decorate it as well.
Hope it brightens your day. We missed you.
Love, Z.
Along with the note, is a collection of folded papers. Origami stars strung on a string and flat paper bulbs are decorated like ornaments. An angel has been made by curling paper into a cone and then wings and a face were glued onto it. The angel is bigger than the other items and intended for the top of the tree. A roll of fairy lights is in the package as well.
First Zebb sent me a poinsettia, then tulips and now a small Christmas tree with homemade ornaments.
I don’t deserve him in my life.
Alone, I dress the tree topper, which smells amazing. Then I sit back and stare at the thing wishing my life had been different. Wishing I could find the holiday cheer others brag about and enjoy the seasonal festivities.
Wishing a black cloud didn’t always overshadow this time of year.
THE FUNERAL
11
“Miss Nazar. This is Sarah at Benedict Care Facility. I regret to inform you, but your mother has passed on.”
The unease I’d felt since leaving Zebb’s place after my birthday dinner comes to a crescendo when I get this call on Christmas Eve morning.
Oh, the irony. My mother left me only days after my tenth birthday. And she left this earth days after my fortieth on the exact same day she first departed from my life.
I’d taken the call despite the chaos of Ashford’s the day before Christmas. As usual, every man on the planet wasfinallydoing his Christmas shopping and upset that the store no longer had in stock theone thingevery man’s wife really wanted.
When I saw the facility’s name on my caller ID, I knew what the call would be.
“Eva. Are you alright?” Zaleya asks as I stare down at the device in my hand.
“My mother just died.”
“Oh my God, baby girl. I’m so sorry.”
I tuck my phone back into my pocket and reach for tissue to finish wrapping up a stack of clothing. I’m helping out again at the registers in the intimate’s section as this is one of the busiest spots in our store next to jewelry and makeup.
My own personal lingerie is still at my desk in my office. There isn’t going to be a need to play Santa’s naughty helper.
“What are you doing?” Zaleya covers my hands, stopping me from finishing the standard wrap.