Bowen let out a laugh and shrugged. “Of course I’m surprised. Who wouldn’t be? This was an insane idea.”
“Then why did you agree to help?”
He glanced to his side, to where Soshi sat, her back against the wall, her gaze up on the high walls.
“Never figured you’d bring a child to a fight like this,” I said. “Before, you seemed overprotective, but then you drag her here to Larkwood?”
Bowen’s gaze softened just a bit as he stared at her. The expression made him look so different. I didn’t think he’d answer at first—didn’t expect one, really, since we weren’t friends—but to my surprise, he spoke. “She’s going to outlive me, you know? I’ve been trying to keep her safe for a long time, but seeing Hera, seeing you all, seeing those soldiers break into our little haven, it all reminded me that Soshi is going to have to survive the world on her own one day.”
“That’s true of everyone. Don’t know why that seems like a sudden revelation.”
“That’s because you don’t have children.” At my frown, he offered a tense smile. “She isn’t mine, not biologically, but I’ve watched over her a long time. I consider her my child. I’ve tried to lock her up, to keep her away from danger, to teach her to defend herself, but eventually, it’ll be all on her.”
He tore his gaze from mine and stared up at the stars for a long moment. “I realized that perhaps the largest thing I could do was try to make sure the world she had to live in was a better one than what we have now. Protecting people isn’t just about avoiding danger but teaching them that they can survive the danger.” He let out a soft laugh. “Besides, with as stubborn as she is, she’d have just followed me if I’d left her behind. God save us from strong women, huh?”
I stared over at the young girl, as uncomfortable with her as I’d been the first time we’d met.
I wasn’t the sort of man who dealt well with children. They tended to fear me, and I never knew what to say to them. They seemed to see right through me, and Soshi had been no different. The way she’d rushed into that fight, it wasn’t that she hadn’t known the dangers. No, in Soshi’s young face had been far too much understanding of the risks. She’d done it because she saw the world in such a simple way, and she had the bravery to defend it.
Maybe that scared me the most about children… Losing them felt like a pain too deep to survive.
“You don’t care for kids, do you?” Bowen asked.
“Who does?”
He laughed softly. “I do. I find the way they see the world refreshing. The rest of us, we get jaded, but not kids. They make surviving seem worth it.”
“They’re fragile,” I said, my voice low. I’d meant it as a simple point, but the moment the words escaped, I knew it meant far more than I’d wanted it to.
And judging from the way Bowen lifted his eyebrow, heknewwhat I meant. “They can be,” he admitted. “They’re also more resilient in a lot of ways. Besides, not everything that is a risk is bad. I figured you understood that given how you follow that siren around.”
Ouch.I swallowed hard at the way Bowen dug right to the point of the matter. “That’s different,” I muttered. “Hera can take care of herself.”
“Maybe she can, but it’s still a risk. The truth is that any connection we form is a risk. Maybe I understand it more because of what I am. My entire sense of self is wrapped up in those I serve, in those I take under my protection. Without them, what am I? What is my point if I have nothing and no one to protect?”
“Exactly,” I snapped. “It’s because of what you are. I’m not you, though. I don’t need a bunch of useless burdens hanging off me to give me purpose.”
Bowen lifted his hand and counted things off, lifting a finger with each one. “Siren. Meta. Wendigo. Incubus. Void. Seems like you’ve already got your share of people relying on you.”
His words made me go still, especially when I couldn’t argue it.
I’d worked so hard to go through life since coming to Larkwood without entanglements. My brother was more than enough to keep me up at night with worry. I’d resisted every other attempt to draw myself into that sort of relationship with people.
And yet…here I was. I’d come back even knowing the dangers. I would throw myself into the line of fire to protect any of those people he’d listed.
Why?
Because I’m not alone anymore.
That was the easy answer, but the honest one also. After so many years of using my berserker as a way to keep others at a distance, after using my attitude and my threats to frighten off anyone else, I’d somehow found myself exactly where I’d never wanted.
And it left me back here at Larkwood, ready to face down every guard in this place in an impossible mission.
I let out a long breath, unhappy that I couldn’t argue with Bowen’s reasoning.
He laughed, his chuckle grating on my nerves. “It’s not so bad, you know?”
“That’s what people say to make themselves feel better.”