It meant I knew he wouldn’t reach out to me again, and no matter how much it hurt, I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
He’d wired a ridiculous amount of money into my account, but all those zeroes mocked me. It felt like a pity payment and served as a reminder that he’d never thought of me as anything but a useful tool. He’d paid me each time he’d asked for my help—always far more than the job was worth—but I’d never touched a dime of it. Still, this time the amount was far greater than before, a sure sign that he planned to disappear from my life.
Red and white lights danced across the walkway in the park, cast from the strings of Christmas lights hung on the large Joshua trees that lined the path.
Yes, thank you for making my heartbreak more festive…
This time of year made everything more. If someone were happy, it made them happier, and likewise, if they were sad, it only served to make them even sadder.Normally, I adored Christmas. I always decorated my house, put up a tree and played holiday music from Thanksgiving on. Even walking through the lights didn’t give me that old feeling of happiness I craved, though. I felt empty and alone.
“Sasha!”
I turned toward the voice, frowning as I spotted who had called me.
“What are you doing here, Clark?”
Clark jogged up. He still wore a suit, as if he’d come here still dressed from work. Since he was a lawyer, I usually saw him like that. Of course, he pulled the look off well. His blond hair was slicked back, and his green eyes shone behind his glasses.
It hadn’t been those things that had gotten me to say yes to that first date with him a year ago, though. I’d never cared much about such petty things. Instead, he’d just happened to show up at a low point for me, when I’d wanted so badly for Jarrod to be more but knew I couldn’t have it.
So when Clark had walked up to me at a little coffee shop and given me his card, when he’d asked if we could go out some time, I’d given in.
Now, a year later we were still together. It wasn’t some passionate love affair, nothing all-consuming, but it seemed more like something so easy that it didn’t seem worth it to end it.
“I stopped by your house, and you weren’t there. I was worried but figured you might have come here to walk,” Clark explained.
I gave him a smile even if I didn’t feel much like smiling. “I guess you know me pretty well.”
“Is something wrong? It’s pretty late to be out here alone…”
I tucked my hands into the pockets of my jacket, the chill of December getting to me. “I had a fight with a friend,” I explained.
“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“Thanks, but I don’t think so.”
“Sometimes just talking about it helps. Getting it out of your head and letting someone else listen can make all the difference.” Clark matched my pace despite him being taller, despite the fact he took longer steps. Then again, he often did that, never pushing too hard, always polite.
That was the best way to explain our relationship, though. It was polite. We did what was expected, called each other, went out to dinner once a week. We played the parts, but everything remained very surface level. Those nights when things were hard, when I felt overwhelmed or upset, it wasn’t Clark who came to mind.
But that was the problem.
The person who came to mind wasn’t the one I could call.
“Thanks, but it’s personal. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.”
His lips tipped down. “We’re a couple, Sasha. I want to be able to help you, for you to rely on me more. I want you to lean on me when you’re upset. You always try to fix everything on your own and it makes me feel like you don’t need me.”
Guilt tugged at me. Clark always said the right thing, always did the right thing, but it never seemed to matter. It never made me feel how I wanted to feel, never gave me that rush. Maybe it was because he was there, because he was available. Maybe I was that stupid type of woman who longed for what I couldn’t have, who wanted the bad boy no matter what amazing man actually wanted me back.
Still, even if I wanted to tell him about Jarrod, it wasn’t possible. I’d sworn to Jarrod a decade before to never tell anyone about him or Nem, and I wasn’t about to break that promise now.
“I’ll be fine,” I said rather than addressing Clark’s words. “I just thought some cool air and a walk under the Christmas lights would make me feel better.”
He nodded. “You do love Christmas.”
“It’s a happy time of year.” At least, it normally was. I didn’t feel much cheer despite it only being about a week and a half away.
“Christmas Eve is our one-year anniversary. What if I take you out somewhere that night? We can go to a nice restaurant and really celebrate?”