The Drip was a new coffee place in town with fancy shit. Figures she’d go there. She likes her fancy coffee. The kitchen counter had once been covered with all her coffee supplies. It took her so damn long to make one cup of coffee with all that crap. I’d teased her about leaving no room for anything else. Complained that my Keurig was being shoved in the corner. And now I’d give anything in this fucking world for it to all be back in there, her standing in her baggy cut-off sweatpants and fuzzy socks.
I took another drink of water. My chest felt so damnconstricted, breathing was hard. I hated remembering, but then again it was all I had of her. Memories.
“She didn’t get an invite to the field dedication,” Ryker told me. “I swear.”
Yeah, she had. I had sent her one. I hadn’t thought she would come, but that lost part of me that missed her had hoped she would. Believing that she felt nothing for me anymore seemed so fucking impossible when she still owned me. I woke up with her on my mind and went to bed at night wishing she was in my arms.
“I know she and Aurora keep in touch, but trust me, man, she wouldn’t have invited her. She knows what you went through,” Ryker assured me.
“I know she didn’t,” I said, then stood up and looked at him. “I did.”
Ryker said nothing as he stood there, but I could see the pain in his eyes. He was worried about me. Worried seeing her was going to set me off again. We had this new venture, and the football camps started in a couple weeks. There was no time for me to fall apart again.
“The field was hers, too. Just like it was ours. We all have memories there. We all should be there for the dedication. Even her,” I told him, then turned and walked inside the house. I didn’t need to be around anyone right now, and I sure as hell didn’t want to hear how it was a mistake to invite her.
It was my decision, and if it was a mistake, that was mine too. I’d made enough mistakes already. What was one more? I had already lost her. It couldn’t get worse than that. Nothing could, and I knew nothing ever would.
CHAPTER TWO
TALLULAH
“I made brownies,” Mom said as I walked into the house.
“It’s a little early for brownies, isn’t it?” I asked her.
She beamed at me. “It’s never a bad time for brownies. Especially when my girl is back home for a visit. I swear you don’t look like you eat anymore. Doesn’t Chicago have the world’s best pizza, or is it hot dogs?”
I sank down onto the bright yellow sofa with hot pink and blue throw pillows. I was glad my mom’s new husband embraced her creative, over-the-top decorating. Some men wouldn’t be able to deal with the crazy colors and artistic painted murals all over the walls. Being back here felt good. I needed to see my mom, and I realized I needed to be home.
“It’s both,” I told her. “They are proud of both their pizza and their hot dogs, but I don’t eat either.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Maybe if you did you wouldn’t be so thin. I understand your wanting to eat healthy, but there is a point when you get too thin, and sweetie, you have found it. Now come eat a brownie or five.”
I patted the cushion beside me. “I will later. I’m not real hungry right now. Come sit with me,” I told her.
Mom walked across the living room and sat down beside me. I immediately laid my head on her shoulder. Home. My soul needed home. Or maybe it just needed my mom.
“Oh, honey, did you see him when you were out?” she asked, moving so that her arm was wrapped around me.
I shook my head. No, if I had seen Nash, there was a good chance I’d be in tears right now. “I saw Maggie,” I told her.
“That’s West’s girlfriend, right?”
I nodded.
She squeezed me. “You’re gonna see them all soon. I know it’s hard.”
They would all be together. I’d have to see Nash with someone else. Some other woman would be there beside him. He’d have his arm around her. I felt the sick knot in my stomach remind me of all I had lost.
“I told myself it was time I come back and face it all. Nash sent the invitation. The writing on the envelope was his. He wanted me here, and even after all that happened, I couldn’t not come. But, Mom, I don’t know if I can do it. See him and not shatter. What if he’s with someone else now? How do I stand there and look at that?”
Mom sighed deeply and patted me. “It won’t be easy. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But what if he’s not with someone else? What if he wants to see you too?”
I closed my eyes tightly and fought back the tears. She didn’t see his face when he’d walked into my office to surprise me and found Charles there with me. He had looked so broken. The look on his face still haunted me. If he had just given me a chance to explain… but he hadn’t trusted me enough. His jealousy had been getting worse, and in the end it destroyed us.
“I keep thinking one day it will get easier. One day I will wake up and not miss him. One day I will be able to make it through the day without thinking about him. It’s been over a year now, and that day hasn’t come.”
Mom kissed my head. “I’m sorry, baby. It hurts my heart to know you are hurting. I wish I had the words to make it all better, but even Momma can’t heal your heart. It just takes time. The harder you loved, the longer it takes.”