“Okay.”
Ellie nods and looks down at my foot. I didn’t know eyes could move flesh until my leg reflexively retracts.
“It never happened,” she whispers, her eyes still lowered to the ground.
“But it did,” I say instinctively. Denying it doesn’t seem right. Not when I can still feel the ghost memory of her body pressed against mine.
“Forget it happened then,” she says.
When her eyes meet mine, they’re the color of a moonless sky. “What if I can’t,” I say.
Her lips part as if there are words on the tip of her tongue that want to break free, but she thinks better of it and traps them again, narrowing her mouth.
As the door slowly closes, I shake my head. Ellie Franklin might want to lock herself away and deny her seven minutes in heaven, but I can’t pretend it never happened.
Not to myself and definitely not to her.
4
ELLIE
Professor Anderson is my favorite lecturer. He inspires every student in an overflowing lecture hall to hang on to his every word, leaning forward as though they don’t want to risk missing a single syllable. It doesn’t hurt that he’s nice to look at, either. Maybe that’s why at least three-quarters of the class is female.
Colby is within the minority of male students, and today he does not look happy.
But that’s not unusual. My stepbrother has a way of exuding a mix of anger and disdain wherever he goes. His brow is furrowed, his black hair with its annoyingly perfect wave, flopping low over his forehead as he types notes on his mac.
I shouldn’t be looking at him because I don’t want to get caught in the act, but I can’t help myself. Since Dornan’s party, I’ve been in denial. I’ve avoided seeing him other than that one time through a crack in the doorway. After our ‘chat’, he successfully convinced my mom that I needed rest, so I hunkered down in my room and avoided everyone.
But I couldn’t avoid my thoughts. I couldn’t stop myself from going over every minute detail of what happened in the closet.
Three men.
Three stepbrothers.
Three different roles in making me come harder than I ever have before.
But who was where?
It’s stupid that I care. It’s ridiculous that I think I know. Colby was the one behind me, the controlling hands and whispered orders. Micky was the one who licked me so perfectly that I soaked through my panties on the way down the stairs. Seb’s clever mouth tortured my nipples. They’re still tipped with red and a little sore. I’d bet money I don’t have that I’ve worked it all out correctly.
The thing is none of it should matter. I wish I could bury every memory and relegate them to the same place I pushed all thoughts of when my dad moved to another state for work and never came back.
But I can’t.
Because these memories aren’t bad per se. Pleasure isn’t the same as pain, no matter how difficult the reality of it all is. We shouldn’t have done what we did. We would never have if it hadn’t been for the darkness and anonymity. But now that we have, I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do with the tingling I feel between my legs or the yearning I have for men I try not to talk to even though we live in the same house. I can’t reconcile the feelings from before with the ones from after. I feel ridiculous for letting sex thoughts cloud my mind. That’s not the kind of girl I am.
Except it seems that it is because as Colby frowns again, staring at the big screen behind Professor Anderson, I get a flutter low in my belly.
Traitorous body.
“For extra credit, I’m tasking you to work in pairs to answer this question.” Professor Anderson flicks forward in his presentation. I read over the question and type it quickly into my lecture notes. “To shake things up a little, I’ve decided on who will work with who. I know you all have your buddies in the class, but getting to know someone new will broaden your perspectives and hopefully mean that you get more from this exercise.”
A mix of chatter and groaning fills the room, and Professor Anderson raises his hands to calm everyone down. Flicking forward again, a list of names appears on the screen. I scan for my name, finding it halfway down, and my heart drops ten stories in my chest. Because, of course, who would fate pair me with but Colby?
It’s a sick joke.
A doom-filled nightmare.
I don’t want to look at him now. I don’t want to see the disappointment and annoyance on his face.
“Gather your things and find your partners. We’ll spend the rest of the time today going through what I want you to consider and options for presenting your answers.”