Now there’s a question I never thought I’d hear from Colby.
The man I thought was made of steel is holding back because he doesn’t want to misunderstand my intentions. Inadvertently, he’s shown me a chink in his armor, a vulnerability I would never have expected.
“I don’t know,” I admit, remembering last night and how sweetly Micky teased my lips with his. It was so easy for him to slip into affection as well as pleasure, but nothing’s easy with Colby.
“Well, when you do know, we can talk. Until then…”
He rolls onto his back and rests his head on his open palms. I turn to look at him and let my fingers trail his tan skin stretched tightly over muscle. Now that I’m free to touch him, I’m not going to waste the opportunity, especially because this is going to be the only time.
“I wasn’t going to come to your room,” I say.
His eyes dart to mine, surprised at my admission. “So, why did you?”
“Because Micky dared me.”
“Dared you?”
“It sounds stupid.”
Colby grabs my wrist and holds it against the center of his chest, where his heart beats with a determined thud. “Explain.”
When I shake my head, embarrassed, he stares at me with narrowed eyes.
“You can’t drop that and not explain what you mean, Ellie.”
“I’m not good at being impetuous,” I admit in a rush. “I’m not good at taking risks. Before my dad left, he’d dare me to do things I was too scared to do, you know, like climb to the top of the climbing frame or dive into the swimming pool. When I wouldn’t take the dare, he’d call me a coward or a chicken. He’d make clucking noises.”
“That doesn’t sound kind,” Colby says seriously. He looks away, lacing our fingers together. It’s a sweet enough gesture to inspire me to continue.
“It wasn’t.” I sigh as the sad knot tied tightly inside me loosens just a little. “When he left, doing anything I was dared to became a way of me saying ‘fuck you’ to my dad. It’s stupid because he doesn’t know and won’t ever know, and probably more stupid because I’m still too much of a coward to do crazy things without a dare.”
“You’re not a coward, Ellie,” he tells me, squeezing my hand. I know he’s trying to be kind, but it doesn’t help. If anything, his kindness makes me feel worse about myself and what I’m doing.
“I’m a coward through and through,” I say. When Colby tries to tell me again, I put up my hand, and he blinks slowly in defeat.
“So Micky knew this?” he says after a beat.
I told him that Gabriella dared me to take a chance with one of you guys. “
“So you picked Micky first because he’d already made you come…you thought he’d be a sure thing.”
“Yeah.” I blush hard, realizing how ridiculous all of this is, but needing to be honest. “And when he asked me why I went to him, and I told him, he dared me to come to you.”
“Shit.” Colby shakes his head. “So now what? You want me to dare you to go to Sebastian’s room tomorrow night?”
I shrug. “Dares aren’t about what I want,” I say. “That’s not how this works. It’s about what you want me to do. I know it sounds fucked up. I don’t get myself half the time.”
He shifts, using his elbow to prop his head in his hand. There’s a gentleness in his expression as he gazes down at me. It makes me feel fragile and a whole lot broken. His fingers are tentative when they play with my hair, so unlike Colby’s usual way of being. “We’re all a bundle of complexities, Ellie. You’re not alone.”
“I wish I had more guts. I wish I didn’t always need external motivation to take the big steps in life.”
“At least you’re willing to take risks and stretch yourself. External motivation aside, it’s still brave as fuck to do what you did.”
“You mean, in case you said no?”
“Rejection is always a possibility.”
“You’ve been looking at me like you want to swallow me whole for years,” I say. “The risk was negligible.”
“Cocky, much!” Colby smiles and pinches my cheek.
“Realistic, more like.”
“I dare you to go fuck my brother tomorrow,” Colby whispers. “If you leave Sebastian out, his ego will never recover.”
“Ah. Such a nice brother,” I laugh. “Looking out for your triplet’s mental health.”
“Looking out for my mental health, Ellie. I’d never hear the end of Sebastian’s wailing.”
I raise my head so that I’m close to Colby’s ear. “You think you can just pass me around?”
Colby licks his lips and closes his eyes. If we were all together, I could just imagine him sitting in the corner and watching the scene he’d be directing. He likes that thought too. Being in control of who I fuck and when.