I try to remember the darkness, the nothingness, how flat everything was, how nothing could make me feel even one-tenth of what Hallie provokes in me every moment we’re together.
Bella makes a soft cooing noise in her sleep. I keep rocking her gently, relieved she’s finally gone down.
I close my eyes too, thinking of the past year, of Hallie’s face when she told me she secured her first contract for a short film. She was beaming so brightly, her cheeks flushed in that adorable way, flooded with enthusiasm.
“But what if I’m not good enough?” she said once the initial rush had passed.
“You are,” I told her firmly. “And if you fail, I’ll be right there. I won’t let you quit.”
But she didn’t fail, and now she’s making a name for herself.
“Your mommy is so impressive,” I tell Bella, as pride for my wife expands within me, burning with a light that will never be extinguished.
“You’ll see that for yourself one day,” I go on. “I don’t think I could’ve done it, no way. Planning a wedding, all that work… and while being pregnant. What do you think, huh? Could daddy handle that?”
She seems to like it when I talk to her. She settles into a deeper sleep, and I gently carry her back to her crib, ensuring she’s in the correct position and completely safe.
Love whelms in me when I stare down at her, so much it’s difficult to understand.
It’s a feeling of complete contentment, every single part of me knowing that Bella and her mother are my number one priority.
I turn to find Hallie standing in the doorway, wearing her PJs…the same PJs she was wearing that first night. My gaze roams over her body, even curvier now since giving birth, even fuller, making me want to claim her every time I see her.
And now there’s no guilt.
Graham, Janine, and Lila were at the wedding, all happy and supportive, wanting us to succeed…and we did.
We have. We are.
I won’t ever let anything threaten our family.
“How long have you been hiding?” I whisper, walking quietly over to her.
She smiles, wrapping her arms around me, with none of the nervousness she felt in the beginning. “I love listening to you two together. So much. I don’t even feel bad for sneaking around.”
I laugh softly, leaning down to kiss her. “You know what? I don’t mind it either. Not if it means I get to do this.”
I’ll never get tired of the sound she makes when I kiss her, the love, lust, and closeness in it.
I’ll never stop wanting her.
EPILOGUE
TEN YEARS LATER
Hallie
“Grandpa!” Jack yells from the top of the stairs, sitting in his shorts and a T-shirt, his mop of dark hair pushed aside so he can put the tin can to his ear. “Can you hear me?”
I smile up at him, taking a moment to savor the sounds of the house. I can hear Lila and her husband in the garden, singing on the karaoke machine as mom and more guests laugh and clap and sing along.
Splashing comes from the pool, and Bella lets out a scream. But it’s a good scream that tells me she’s having fun.
That’s one of the motherhood superpowers, being able to differentiate between different kinds of yelling.
I’m even pretty sure I can hear the grill going. My husband was standing at it as I walked in here, wearing a sleeveless shirt since it’s so hot, showing off his arms that never get less protective, less capable.
Only stronger, firmer, making me feel safer as I cuddle close to him at night.
I can’t hear our other children, Becky, Harrison, and Chris. Little Chris is only a baby, so that makes sense, but I bet the other two are up to some beautiful childhood mischief.
“Mommy, I can’t hear him,” Jack says.
I study the string going from Jack’s tin can, down the stairs, and around the corner into the living room.
“Try again, munchkin,” I say.
Jack is seven years old and hasn’t asked me to stop calling him munchkin yet, so I’m getting in as many as possible.
“Hello, Grandpa?” Jack says into the tin can.
He holds it to his ear. Then his eyebrows shoot up so fast I can’t help but laugh.
“Mommy, I can hear him. I can really hear him.”
“I’m so proud,” I tell him. “Well done.”
“Thanks, Mommy!”
I follow the string into the living room, finding dad sitting on the couch.
In the beginning, I often felt a cut of guilt when I saw dad, despite his complete support of us.
But now, there’s only love.
Dad doesn’t see me. The tin can is held to his ear as he listens closely to what Jack is saying.
I take a moment to savor this, all my family and friends here are happy, and our children are always loved.
Lila’s working as a professor now.
After enjoying that first research job so much, dad started taking on more research gigs.