When I had doubts about college, I went to Lila.
When some jerk was bothering me in high school Lila made him back off.
Lila was the one who encouraged me to start my freelance career.
“You’re basing that on nothing,” I say.
“You and Hayden did stuff downstairs, Hallie, while the rest of us were sleeping. With dad in the house. What does that say?”
“It says we couldn’t control ourselves,” I reply.
“I’m sorry, Hallie. You know I want the best for you, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.” I nod fiercely. “You always do. You always have.”
“I don’t really want to say any of this stuff. But I can see how excited you are. It’s like a dream come true, I guess, right?”
“Yes,” I say, not having to question it.
“That’s exactly what worries me,” Lila goes on. “We both know your crush goes beyond just sex, Hallie. You’ve clearly proved you’re not the sleep-around type.”
“Oh, what gave that away?” I say sarcastically.
She rolls her eyes with a gentle smile. She could say my virginity, my lack of boyfriends, or interest in boyfriends gave it away.
“I’m just worried,” Lila says, sighing. “You’re going in with all this emotional stuff. I can see how happy you are. Or maybe giddy is the better word. But if he’s going in thinking he’s just going to….”
“To what?” I snap, unable to stop myself. “He’s going to have sex with me and then ghost me? How could he ghost me, Lila? It’s not like he’s just going to stop suddenly being part of dad’s life.”
“Isn’t he?” Lila says, just as snappily. “What happens when you tell dad about what you and he did? Is dad going to want to be friends with him then?”
I swallow, my heart thudding, my belly cramping.
“I don’t know about that bit,” I murmur.
“All I’m saying,” Lila goes on, “is please don’t do anything you think you might regret. It would be one thing if you and Hayden were going to get married, have kids, or whatever. Maybe then the risk would be worth it. But if he just wants some quick, easy sex…I’d never tell you how to live your life, Hallie. But me personally, crush or no crush, I’d tell him to go to hell.”
“Get married, have kids,” I repeat, as my insides glow and my head spins with all the truth in Lila’s words. “That’s taking it fast.”
I want her to say, No, it’s not. Not if you really care about each other. It makes complete sense.
But instead, she nods. “That’s my point. Is this…fling, whatever it is, worth risking your relationship with dad?”
The answer would be no. If I only wanted Hayden for sex, then clearly, this would be crazily risky, not to mention cruel, destroying dad’s relationship for that.
But I want kids, a house full of laughter, Hayden’s strong arms wrapped around me every night, holding me close to him.
And yet….
What are the chances he does?
“Maybe you should discuss exactly what he wants from you,” Lila says.
“Maybe,” I repeat, but the idea makes me cringe.
Right now, I can pretend. It’s possible Hayden feels the same.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
Lila shuffles up the bed, wrapping her arms around me. “You don’t have to apologize. Not to….”
“It’s okay. You can say it.”
She hugs me tighter. “I don’t want to.”
She doesn’t need to. We both know what she was going to say.
I don’t have to apologize to her.
I have to apologize to dad.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Hayden
Sitting at my desk, I read the text Graham sent me as I was sleeping. It’s an update on his progress.
He’s fitting in well, though ‘these college kids are teaching me more than I’ve learned in years.’ He’s on a large staff, doing what he describes as a ‘small’ job, but he’s enjoying it, enthusiastic, and ready.
Hey, Graham. I kissed your daughter. And we had phone sex last night. Enjoy your day.
I imagine sending him that, hating myself, wanting Hallie even more, when I think about last night, how easy it was to share that stuff about my parents. And yet it’s just another sign of Graham’s friendship, how he wanted to protect that part of my history.
My fingers move across the keyboard, the article taking shape.
It’s slower than my usual writing speed, but at least I’m able to drag the words up from someplace. I wonder what it says about me that the kidnapping has had far less of an effect than my woman, my Hallie.
But that was work. I was able to make myself cold. Immune to whatever happened.
With Hallie, it’s the exact opposite.
I feel everything on a far deeper level than I thought I was capable of.
My cell phone rings, jolting me from my thoughts. I grab it quickly, thinking it might be Hallie.
But it’s Janine. Her mom.
That must be a sign of how badly I want Hallie.
Janine has become Hallie’s mom and not Graham’s wife in the space of a few days. It’s like everything in my existence is shining through her eyes.