She’d never do anything like this to dad…would she?
It’s not like we can test it. Dad doesn’t have another best friend.
“It’s Hayden,” I murmur.
For a long time, Lila gawks as though she’s trying to decipher the language, her mouth wide, her eyes wide.
She’s staring as I’ve just told her I’m going to compete as a formula one driver or I’ve mastered the art of growing multiple heads.
“That’s who I was talking with,” I go on, mostly because I feel like I have to talk.
Even so, I keep my voice far lower than when I was talking on the phone. I didn’t even realize my excitement had caused my voice to flare, my passion to rise.
But I need to be more careful.
“It started the night he stayed,” I whisper. “We ran into each other downstairs, and we kissed. I’m not even sure how it happened. Then we did other stuff.”
“You had sex?”
“No,” I say quickly. “Not that. I didn’t lose my freaking virginity in the same house as all of you when you were asleep.”
Lila grins, laughing for a moment. “Well, I did.”
I laugh with her, but then she turns serious. Her gaze flits around my room, over the movie posters, the bookshelf in the corner, then back to me.
“He just kissed you out of nowhere? Or you kissed him out of nowhere?”
“It just happened. The talking got a little heavy, and then we couldn’t stop. It was better than I ever imagined, Lila. It was so amazing. And then obviously, it wasn’t amazing when I remembered dad.”
“Remembered him?” Lila says, her tone of voice infuriatingly neutral.
It’s difficult to tell how she feels about what I’m saying with her tone so purposefully placid. I know that’s what she’s doing, intentionally not giving anything away. She’s spoken in this tone several times before.
“I don’t know how else to describe it,” I tell her. “When Hayden and I were kissing, it was like I could forget about how wrong it was. Even now, on the phone….”
“When you were having phone sex,” Lila says.
Still in that same calm voice, no indicator of anger or sadness or anything in between.
“Yeah,” I murmur. “Even then, it was difficult not to think about dad.”
“So you kissed,” Lila says. “And then you, what, you’ve been having phone sex every night?”
“No,” I say quickly. “Tonight was the first. We tried not speaking to each other. He called me. I’m not saying that to make it seem like I didn’t do anything wrong. But….”
“I get it,” Lila says. “You’re not chasing him.”
“We’re chasing each other,” I murmur. “At least, that’s how it feels.”
Lila interlocks her fingers and stares down for a few long moments. It’s impossible to decipher what she’s thinking as she finally lets her hands go and smooths down her hair.
“This is so surreal,” she says quietly. “I never thought you and Hayden would actually do anything. Not because you’re not good enough.”
She adds the last part quickly, smiling warmly.
“It’s the age thing, for one, and the fact he’s dad’s best friend. And…well, no, I don’t need a third. Those two are crazy enough.”
“The age thing doesn’t bother me,” I say fiercely, with the passion of complete confidence.
“He’s over twenty years older than you,” Lila says.
“So what?” I snap.
“An older man automatically has an advantage over a young woman. He’s seen more of the world, way more. He knows how to manipulate her.”
I want to scream at Lila and tell her a few things.
Hayden would never do that. He’s not that sort of person. And, even if he was, I want him to manipulate me…or guide me, help me, and love me.
“I don’t think Hayden’s doing that,” I mutter.
Lila tilts her head at me. “What makes you say that?”
“A feeling,” I say quietly.
She bites down, then sighs. “A feeling. Fine. Let’s say this feeling’s wrong. Let’s say Hayden’s trying to get you into bed. He can use this feeling you’ve got, whatever it is, to do that.”
“Lila, I think you’re wrong,” I say, but now my voice is wavering a little.
How well do I know Hayden, really?
I feel like I know him incredibly well, especially if I think about the future. If Hayden felt the same as me, that would be the only thing I’d need to know, as insane as it sounds.
Just me and him, our future, our children.
My core gives a sizzling urgent shiver, telling me to make it happen.
Now.
“Dad said Hayden’s hardly dated anybody for the past twenty years.”
A special glow begins to expand inside me as I think about the fact that he chose me. My crush wants me.
“I know,” I whisper.
“So maybe he’s a playboy,” Lila goes on. “Maybe he does this sort of thing all the time. He finds a younger woman, has his way, moves on.”
I massage my forehead. It’s difficult to overstate how loyal Lila is or how useful her advice has been for every problem I’ve ever encountered.