“That’s what you’re calling it? Go to hell. And if you don’t think I’m getting the lock changed, you’re sadly fucking mistaken.” I follow them to the door and slam it behind them, then motion for Piper to bring me the desk chair. I can’t believe I’m doing this again, but it looks like I’m not out of the woods with these two yet. I wedge it under the knob to make sure they can’t come back.
It seems like history keeps repeating itself. Is there ever going to come a time when I’m out of this constant loop with the two of them? Because I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, wondering if they’re following me. Watching. Waiting to strike.
CHAPTER38
At least I managed to smooth things over with Trevor after class. We part ways outside the lecture hall, and I wave as he jogs off on his way to his next class. It took a while to convince him I’m not in an abusive relationship with Colt, even though I sort of am. Just not the kind he’s thinking of. Once I explained Colt is my stepbrother and extremely overprotective, he loosened up a little. He seems like a nice person and somebody I can see being friends with. What a shame we started off on the wrong foot.
I’m out of class for the rest of the day, and Piper has a three-hour lecture on Thursday afternoons, so I’ll have the room to myself for a while. I’m sort of glad, as much as I’ve been loving spending time with her. I’m still kind of shaken up by what happened the other night, and I know she is, too. I can’t stop feeling like I have to apologize even though she tells me every time that I don’t need to, that it wasn’t my fault. It’s not like you invited them, she’s told me, and of course, she’s right. But now her privacy was violated just like mine was, and I can’t help but feel a little guilty about it. If it wasn’t for me, nobody would have barged into her dorm room while she wasn’t even there.
It happens so fast. One second, I’m considering grabbing lunch and taking it back to my room, and the next, somebody much bigger and stronger than me is strong-arming me into a classroom. An empty one, but still. I barely have time to register what’s happening before I’m alone with Colt. Again.
And this time, I don’t bother holding back. I shove him with both hands as hard as I can. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I hiss. “I’m going to get campus security on your ass, you know that, right? You don’t belong here. You don’t go here, and I don’t want you here! So just leave.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“What are you talking about? Not that easy. What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m protecting you.”
“Protecting me from what? Do you even know what you’re talking about? Who gave you this savior complex? Because I’ll tell you, they were wrong. I don’t need you. I don’t want you here. So leave.”
“It’s not going to happen. I can’t leave you unprotected.”
“What do you think you’re protecting me from? Your father? Because you weren’t able to protect me from him before, so why now?”
He flinches at my outburst, and I know that statement hit home.
“What do you think?” he whispers, his eyes darting over my face. “Seriously. Think about it. Why do you think I can’t leave you alone? Why do you think I can’t stop watching you?”
There goes my bravado, quickly replaced by trembling fear. “Are you telling me… I have to watch out for him? You think he’d come here?”
“I don’t know, and that’s the problem. I’ll never know for sure. But how am I supposed to go to MIT and pretend everything is normal when he’s so close? He could find you easily, and then what?”
Is that what this has been about all along? I don’t want to believe him because he’s tricked me so many times before, but when I give it serious thought, I can’t help but remember times when he wasn’t hurting me. When he was trying to help me, like with the butt plug. I’m sure that was his idea—I doubt Nix would have cared either way. He wanted to make sure I didn’t get hurt. And when James forced us to fuck in front of him, Colt whispered to me and tried to make it easier. And he held me. He was kind and gentle.
“Fine, so let’s say you tried to protect me from your dad. What about all the other times? You treated me like shit back in school. I never did anything to you, and you know that damn well. But you hurt me. Humiliated me. And then, before your father ever started with me, you made my life miserable after I moved in.”
“Did it never occur to you that we did it to keep you away? That we dragged you into that fucking party to make sure you weren’t alone with him? Or the lock on your door—you never figured out we were locking him out, not locking you in?”
“You locked me in during the day plenty of times.”
“It was all to protect you. That job at the law firm? What the hell do you think would have happened there if we had let that happen?”
I hate that he’s making a good point. Now that I look back, knowing what I know, I can see it from his point of view. Still, I shove him again. “Fine. But you sure as hell never had a difficult time performing when he forced you.” I make big, sarcastic air quotes around the word. “If you were against it, why were you always ready to go?”
That one, he doesn’t have such a quick little answer to. He looks at the floor, in fact, his jaw twitching. “I don’t know. I guess I’m fucked in the head. I’m not hiding that. I got off on seeing you naked, on having you at my mercy, but I’m nothing like him.”
“Oh no?” I taunt.
“No.” His head snaps up, and he glares at me. “I can admit I get off on controlling you. I already told you that I think you’re beautiful, so of course, I get hard when I see you naked. Yes, I like fucking you in messed-up ways. That’s part of who I am. But I also feel remorse and have a conscience. I want to take care of you and make you feel good. I don’t want you to be scared or trapped in a house. I want you to be happy and have friends.”
He reaches out to touch my cheek. I want to pull away, but something stops me. I don’t know what. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. That’s one thing I know for sure. All that is over. Nothing matters more than keeping you safe.”
“Did you ask Piper to move in here?”
“No, I didn’t ask her, but I set it up. I didn’t want you to be here with a stranger.” I should have seen this before. Even now, when I thought I was free, he’s still controlling my life.
I need to get my head on straight. And that’s not possible while I’m in his presence and he’s touching me. When he’s this close to me. “I can’t do this.”