He sighs, all traces of humor sliding from his face. "Yeah, okay, I get it. Nothing goes beyond the bedroom. Message received."
My eyes narrow in his direction. "Is that going to be a problem? I thought we were clear on this, Aiden."
He gives me a skeptical look. “Stop worrying. We're clear, I want the same thing anyway." He studies me for a moment, looking like he's trying to figure out how to ask something. And when he asks it, I'm not even surprised at the question.
"I know whyIdon't want a relationship, but what's your excuse? Why are you so opposed? Parents end up divorced or something?"
“Does it matter?” I mutter, not really wanting to have this conversation. It never ends up the way I want it to, because no one ever agrees with my theory.
“I’d like to understand,” he answers with a shrug. His tone is casual enough that it makes me sigh and throw back my shot, which prompts him to do the same. But then he's right back to watching me like I'm the most confusing person he's ever seen.
I lean back on one hand and think about his question. Typically this conversation is risky with men, because their reason for asking is usually that they want to understand my reasoning—and then want to try to convince me otherwise. But something tells me that's not why Aiden's asking. He’s genuinely curious.
“Alright, but let me ask you something first,” I start.Fuck it, if we’re going to talk about this then let’s dive headfirst into this clusterfuck of a topic."Your parents are divorced, right? You grew up with your dad?"
"Not sure you can be divorced if they were never really committed to you, but yeah, they're separated," he says tightly.
"What about the rest of your family? Or friends of the family? Anyone happily married?"
He gives me the respect of thinking about my question for a moment. But then his answer comes, and it's the same one I always expect and always get.
"Okay, yeah, most people in my family have been divorced. The ones that haven't are happy, though."
"Happy? Or content?" I press. "How do you know they didn't just settle? Or maybe they're just terrified of divorce?"
That makes him frown. "I can't speak to what kinds of relationships they have behind closed doors. Theyseemhappy."
I nod in understanding. "Would you say you're just as happy as they are, even being single?"
"Yeah, but I'm young. I doubt I wouldn't be lonely if I was single at their age." His frown deepens. "That's your argument? That every relationship either ends in divorce or simply settling? That's a depressing way to live, Dani."
I sigh. "That's not the whole argument, I'm just trying to paint the picture." I scoot to the edge of the counter so I can uncross my legs and drape them on either side of Aiden's seat. I'm not touching him, but the close proximity forces us to focus solely on each other. His gaze never moves from my face.
I let out another sigh, this one heavier. Sadder. "Now picture the other end of the spectrum. Picture a couple that's blissfully happy, two people that are disgustingly in love with each other and have been happily married for years. Do you know anyone like that?"
He contemplates the question for a moment before answering, "I think my high school English teacher had a relationship like that. She would always light up when her husband called, even after twenty years together." He frowns again. "I don't understand where you're going with this."
"Just one more question," I assure him. Taking a deep breath, I ask, "What did she do before she taught high school?"
"I think she was a professor at Columbia. If I remember correctly."
I give him a knowing and sad smile. As often as I have this conversation with people, and as many times as I go through these questions, I'm always hoping for someone to prove me wrong. And yet, they never do. "You just proved every part of my argument without even knowing what it is."
Aiden gives me a look of confusion. "That love ends with either divorce or bliss?"
I shake my head and answer softly, "That even when love does somehow result in something other than divorce, it still comes with massive sacrifices."
Aiden still doesn't look convinced. I sigh and look around the bar. "Look, most people that don't want a relationship are scared of them because they end in heartbreak or pain more times than not. I get that. And it's a logical argument, even though I can't imagine being scared of that risk. What gets me is that if, by some miracle, it doesn't end in divorce, or it doesn't become a relationship where both people are 'settling,' it still doesn't end well. For the 1% of relationships like your teacher's, love still pulled her away from something monumental, something she loved and probably worked half her life to achieve. How could love possibly be so great if, by diving into it, you have to choose between your passion for a person and your passion for a job? Or a place, or a friend, or anything else? How often does love comewithouta massive sacrifice?" I shake my head, my frown etched on my face. "See, that's why I'm good without it. Because in no situation does love ever work out the way we want it to. As a positive."
Aiden sighs and puts his hands on my thighs, rubbing absently. Already we're so in tune with each other that he touches me without realizing, simply to keep us connected. The thought should terrify me, but for some reason… it doesn’t. Whether that’s because I trust he’s accepted my terms for us, or simply because I’m just that comfortable with him, I’m not sure. But right now, maybe because of this conversation, I have no desire to question or stop it.
I can see him working through what I just said. He's trying to piece everything together and make it fit with what he knows about me. "What are your parents like?" he asks after a moment. "Tell me about your family."
I sigh and lean back on my hands, letting Aiden's touch ground me as I open up.
"My parents have been married for almost thirty years," I start. "I've never seen a couple happier in love than them. My dad is a lawyer, my mom is a stay-at-home mom after a medical career. My dad was successful, too. Still is, but it’s nothing compared to what he was when I was born." I look beyond Aiden at the empty bar. "I watched my parents do the same exact thing. My dad was one of the best criminal defense attorneys in the city before giving it up and opening a local practice for family law. My mom was a top neurologist before giving it up to become a stay-at-home mom. Shelovedher work. Both of my parents gave up impressive, massively successful careers that they were obsessed with because they wanted to spend more time together and with their kids.
“And it's not just my parents, either. My brother and his wife are the same way. They have a great marriage, but they also gave up a big piece of their lives for each other. He turned down a massive promotion at his work doing medical sales that would’ve allowed him to turn his beer-brewing hobby—the hobby that used to be the first thing to bring a smile to his face—into a legitimate business. All because he didn't want to travel as much as an executive role would've required him to. And his wife? She gave up her job as a full-time teacher and became a substitute so she could spend more time with their new baby. And I’m not saying that I’m anti-family, or anti-babies, or even that I put my job above everything else. I’m just saying, serious relationships take you away from the things youlove.” I shrug and finish softly,“You've seen how I live my life—every day is a new adventure. I do crazy things all the time, a lot of which guys I’ve been with haven’t approved of or even tried to get me to give up. Even my job being potentially dangerous has been a dealbreaker. But Ilikehaving an insane, spontaneous life. I can't imagine giving that up for anything. I don't want to have to choose between my passion for life and anything else. Even if that makes me a selfish bitch.”