I finally break away from his gaze that's challenging me to fight him on this. He knows how badly he's beaten me down. He knows I don't have it in me to push this.
"No, that's okay," I mumble, turning back to the now burnt omelet. I busy my hands by dumping it in the trash and reaching in the fridge for ingredients to start over again, for some reason driven by a deep-rooted need to make Steve quality meals—even though the stress of the past few weeks has ruined my appetite enough that I’ve barely been eating. "You have fun with the guys this weekend. I'm just going to catch up on schoolwork."
He doesn't even smirk in victory. He's already accepted that I'm going to acquiesce, so it doesn't even warrant celebration. He walks over to me and kisses my cheek.
"I have to get going. Don't worry about breakfast, I'll pick up something on the way." He takes a few more gulps of his coffee, then sets it down next to the bowl filled with eggs I've just broken. Without another word, he grabs his laptop bag and leaves the apartment.
I slump into a seat at our kitchen table. I debate calling my sister to talk through the mess of thoughts in my head, but I don't think I'm actually ready to hear what she has to say. She's been plenty vocal about not liking Steve, even implying a few times that he's controlling and bad for me, but I always brushed it off as her having a tendency to dump guys at the first sign of a problem. She's never found anyone that she felt was worth working on a relationship with. Anytime I would try to talk about some of the not-so-perfect sides of Steve, I could always tell she was waiting for the right moment to tell me to dump him instead of actually listening.
I debate calling our friend Lucy, who I've been more open with. But she's only a friend through Remy, and I don't exactly talk to her outside of fight nights. Plus, she's never been inthissituation. I've only ever talked to her about what it's like when the honeymoon phase ends once you've been with someone for a while. I leaned on her to understand what changes are considered normal and what should be a red flag about partners becoming too complacent.
But this is something entirely different. And I realize that I don't have anyone to call because I don't know of a single person who's ever dated a borderline-narcissist.
I frown at that thought. The word tickles something in my memory, something I overheard Remy say recently about Steve wanting to prove that he owns me.
Does he? Is all of this just to flex his power over me?
Is he a narcissist?
I reach for my phone without conscious thought. Then I take a deep breath and google:What is a narcissist?
Several pages immediately pop up, including the WebMD definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I scroll through the symptoms.
Inflated sense of importance.
A need for attention and admiration.
Unable to take criticism.
Lack of empathy.
There's even an article titled6 Signs You're Dating a Narcissist. I click on it and skim the paragraphs.
1. They were charming... at first.
I frown, knowing that describes Steve but also recognizing that applies to plenty of long-term relationships.
2. They lack empathy. "Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validated, understood, or accepted, because they don't grasp the concept of feelings. Translation: they don't do emotion that belongs to others.
Okay, also somewhat true. Even this morning is a perfect example. I was vocal about it bothering me that Steve was celebrating his birthday in the way that I wasn't allowed to, yet it didn't affect him whatsoever.
3. They don't have any (or many) long-term friends.
That one's not true. Steve has plenty of friends from high school that he still keeps in touch with.
4. They pick on you constantly.
At that one, my eyebrows shoot up. That one's the definition of Steve, especially since we moved in together. He's careful not to say anything that's outright hurtful, but my self-confidence has taken a serious dive in the past few months. He knows exactly what kind of little comments he can slip into our conversations that will have me second-guessing myself—or even make me feel like complete shit.
5. They think they're right about everything... and they never apologize.
My mouth drops open when I realize just how much that applies to Steve. I can't remember the last time I heard him apologize, and I'm not exactly the one to start any of our fights. And there have been so many times when we've moved past a fight, but then I was left thinking that it's odd he never actually apologized. Every disagreement has ended with either me apologizing just to get rid of the overwhelming tension, or him manipulating his way out of it without having to say the words 'I'm sorry.'
I stare in shock at my phone, scared to even look at the last number.
6. They gaslight you.
Number six makes me frown again. I've heard the termgaslightingthrown around a lot in the past few years, but it's so common now that I've started to think people are too lenient with its use.