“I can’t, baby,” I whisper. “I need you to do this for yourself.”
Her panic intensifies and her breaths start to come quicker. “Don’t do this,” she begs. “Please, don’t leave me. Just… let’s try again. I’ll be stronger, I promise.”
I give up on trying to keep distance between us and step up to stand in front of her. I hesitate for a moment but then when I realize she’s not pulling away from me, I cup her cheek again, with both hands this time. “I need you to be stronger without me,” I whisper.
A tear rolls down her cheek, and I swear I can hear my heart crack down the middle at the sight.
And fuck, I just want the anger back. I can deal with the anger.
I can’t deal with the sadness.
“I can’t do this without you,” she sobs, her tears coming faster now. “You’re the only thing holding me together. I—I can’t—” She buries her face in my chest, clutching me tightly.
I wrap my arms around her, wanting to shield her from the pain and the hurt even as I know I’m the one inflicting it.
“I promise I’m not abandoning you,” I murmur into her hair. “This doesn’t mean you’ll never see me again. I’m still here, I still care about you just as much as I always have. That will never, ever change. I promise you that.”
She pulls back to look at me, her expression turned to pleading.
Shock. Anger. Panic. Sadness. Desperation.
I can’t handle any of it. I’m dying inside.
“Please, don’t do this,” she begs, her face damp and her nose pink. “Please.” Her gaze darts over my face, looking for any sign of help. I don’t know if she can see the pain that it feels like is etched all over it, but whatever she sees doesn’t reassure her at all. In fact, she seems to become more desperate, because she turns to the one thing that she knows threatens my resolve the most.
“Jax, please,” she whispers.
My eyes close, a single tear rolling down my cheek at the sound of my name as a plea on her lips.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out. I lean forward to press a kiss to her forehead, lingering with the contact because I know it’ll be the last for a while. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
I try to step back, but I can’t bring myself to move away from her. I can’t stop holding her.
I press my forehead to hers and take a deep, stuttering breath. “I want you to find that little girl that I first met when I moved into the neighborhood, the one who demanded I take her to the movies. The teenage girl who danced because it made her happy. The woman that you grew into who embodied kindness while still living her life and doing what she wanted. That’s the Hailey I want you to find again. And as much as I want to do it for you, I think you have to do that on your own.”
She cries silent tears, clutching my shirt in her hands. And when I gently peel her hands away, it hits me that even crying, she’s the most devastatingly beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
It doesn’t take much for me to nudge her to let go. When she does, she just looks resigned—she looks tired, like she doesn’t have it in her to fight me anymore.
I walk toward the door before my heart can win the battle of calling the whole thing off. Every step is a struggle, and it’s most likely a testament to my training that my mental fortitude pushes me forward.
Even still, I can’t stop myself from looking back at her when I get to the door. She hasn’t moved an inch, just continues to stare at me with a look of sad resignation.
I try to speak but the words won’t come. I clear my throat and try again. “I meant what I said about not expecting you to wait for me. I want you to do whatever feels right, whatever makes you that Hailey I’ve always loved. But… I want you to know that I’ll be waiting. I’ll never want anyone but you. And even if it takes you years…” My eyes fill with more tears, and I struggle to blink them away. But my voice still cracks when I say, “I hope one day you’ll come back to me.”
She curls into her stomach with a sob. And at the sight of her fresh tears, the knife that I’ve been slowly cutting us with is ripped from my heart and bleeds me dry.
I don’t look back again as I leave the apartment and shut the door behind me.
27
HAILEY
I watch the door shut with a horrible feeling of finality. Not just because Jax isn’t one to joke about something like this or change his mind, but because itfeelsfinal. I can feel the pain in my bones. I can feel the loneliness in every breath I suck into my lungs.
At the thought, I actually start to hyperventilate. I struggle to pull enough air in, taking short breaths that quickly turn into wheezing. I curl over my stomach as I drop to the couch, my head automatically dropping between my knees.
Fuck. What just happened?