Usually things like what I’m feeling right here, right now with her are nonexistent in my life, this kind of happiness serves as a red flag of what’s to come. I take in this pleasure, an enjoyment, as a weakness in the life I live. Let your guard down for a second and you could be gone in an instant.
Guys like me don't have happiness like this. I thought I was going to find it in my ex-wife, but clearly never did. I didn't love her like I thought I would love her. I didn't have those butterflies that a normal man would have, especially one that culminated in marriage.
I learned things the hard way after my son was born. I had nothing for her. It was nothing against her, you just can't force a man to love a woman.
Those butterflies that I'm talking about, even though I hate using the term, have finally surfaced for the first time in my life. They’re real…because of Cassandra and only Cassandra. I have this constant sense of light heart palpitations when thinking about her. It’s the same kind of feeling you get in underworld dealings when you know someone’s existence needs to end, due to the orders you give. Same feeling but the absolute inverse result. This is about life, what happens next for us. This is spring compared to fall. Two people winning big together instead of one winner and one ultimate and final loser, never to take another breath. And the forward-looking eternal excitement she gives me makes my breath a little bit shorter. But in a good way.
As much as I say it's all in a positive way, I'm still skeptical of how perfect things are going. I'm usually the man making fun of the guy with the younger girl who seems over the moon. I'm usually the first person to point out that it's all superficial and not going to last. I can't do that here, allow myself to think like that…let Chekhovian angst slip into my mind. Because I want this to last. I actually want to spend time with her. I actually want to have pointless conversations with her in the middle of the night just because it could actually be fun. Talking isn’t my strong suit, banter and chit-chat are something that I see as worse than a root canal, but not when it comes to her, with her. I want to have those conversations just to have them, even if there is no point to them…but only with her.
* * *
"Where do you keep the bacon?"she asks with Luca by her side. Cassandra stands in the kitchen, Luka not wanting to leave her for a single second. It's cute. The little guy seems happy around her, having this permanent, natural smile on his face that I haven’t seen in a very long time.
"I keep it in the crisper."
"I've never seen that before. But okay." She smiles before taking the bacon out of the fridge. It's just dawned on me that she's actually making me breakfast.
"You don't have to make me breakfast, you know. I can always just order us food."
"Do you have something against me making you food? Is that like a boundary that I'm crossing?"
Damn it. She makes me laugh. Why am I so against being vulnerable? That's a stupid question. I know why I'm so against it. I have trust issues. I have so much baggage that it's incredible that she's even this close to me. "I usually have my chef make my food."
As Cassandra gets more fixings out for breakfast, she looks at me with a sly smirk, "That doesn't sound pretentious at all. Where's your chef today?"
"I guess you're my chef because I gave Ricardo the day off. There’s no help in the house today."
"No help. Is there a reason you sent everyone home?"
"What are you trying to get me to say…that I did it for you? Fishing for compliments are we?"
This time she laughs and wow is she ever beautiful when she does. If she was looking at me instead of focusing on prepping the food, I would probably see a blush on her cheeks.
"Eggs!" Luca blurts out.
Cassandra looks down at Luca with a smile. "You know eggs? You're so smart. Such a smart little boy."
He jumps up and down and does this little dance. "Help. Me help."
"You can help me. Throw this shell into the trash." She points to the trash bin and Luca takes the eggshell from her hands and brings it over to the trash bin.
"I didn't know he could do all that."
I honestly don’t know how is it that I have Luca in my life yet I feel so oblivious to all the things that he can do and how far he's come.
"I'm such a terrible dad that I don't know these things, including letting him fall down the stairs."
Cassandra stops what she’s doing and picks up Luca. She brings him over to the kitchen table and sits him down next to me. "I know it's not my place to say any of this, but…I don't think that you should beat yourself up about being his father. My dad does the same thing and I can assure you he's always wrong about everything that he believes to be true in regard to his ability to be my dad. I don't ever think that he's a bad dad. And I know that Luca will grow up to feel the same way if you continue being the dad that he has now.”
My head starts to ache from the decision I need to quickly make. Do I want to actually open up to her and talk about this kind of stuff or just be the man I’ve always been and not let her in? Never in my life have I opened up about how I feel about being a dad. I don't even do it to my closest confidants. Not that I have many of those in the first place.
I'm going with the hard answer, because that’s where personal growth lies. I'm going to actually try this and see if it makes me feel good or bad.
"It's hard to talk about this stuff but, I've never felt like a good dad. I've always felt like I could be better in that I'm hurting my boy rather than making his life good. It's hard to reconcile those feelings. It's hard to go through my day feeling like I even belong in my own kid's life."
I watch her face fill with remorse. I don't regret opening up to her, because I can see that she actually cares. It's actually hard to believe. I have someone with wide eyes who actually gives a shit about me and my son. I'm not holding a gun to her head and she doesn't have any reason to be associated with me. It blows my mind. How did I find such a girl, a princess, an angel, a unicorn? How is she standing before me and how is this all real?
"That's all stuff that you're making up in your head. I know you may live an unorthodox life and you may feel guilty about a lot of things but I know that when it comes to your son everything that I've seen thus far, especially in that hospital, I wouldn't mind if you were my dad if I didn't have one. Does that make any sense?"