“Who the fuck doesn’t?”
She takes my hand in hers, touching, stroking, soothing. “It was meaningless, I know that now, but back then, I didn’t, so when he asked me to go to the initiation on behalf of Creigh and get as much information about your mansion as I could, I did.”
I narrow my eyes. “So you’re his spy?”
“Were. Only that once, and I regretted it deeply after I knew he, well, used the information I gave him to start that fire. I swear I didn’t know or want to. I thought he only needed it for defense purposes. If he’d told me about his plan, I would’ve never helped him.”
I slide my forefinger against my thigh, up and down, up and down in a slow rhythm. My muscles lock and I feel so frigid, I’m surprised the blood doesn’t freeze in my veins.
“But you did help him. Is that why you showed up at the gate that day? Out of a sense of guilt?”
She shakes her head frantically. “I was worried about you. I really didn’t want you or anyone else to get hurt.”
“Guilt then.” I pull my hand from hers, my voice ice-cold. “What else have you done? What did you help your precious Landon with? Did he plant you as a spy by my side?”
“No! I would never do that to you.”
“But you did help him burn the mansion while I was inside it. That didn’t work, so maybe you decided to take this further. Did he train you for a game of seduction? Did he teach you to use vulnerability to get to me? Did he tell you to be like my mom, to use my weakness against me?”
Her body jerks, but I only see that as another lie. Another act.
Another fucking deception.
“No, please stop it, Jeremy. It was never like that.”
“How would I know? Everything you said and did could be part of his careful scheme. Were you always with him, and he told you to use me for his greater plan? Did he teach you how to open your legs for me?”
She raises her hand and slaps me across the face, tears sliding down her cheeks. I could almost believe they’re real.
Almost.
Despite the crying and the sniffling, she raises her chin. “I won’t allow you to disrespect me like that.”
I clutch her hands, then slam her against the nearest wall. “Disrespect? What the fuck do you know about that word when you’ve been using me all along?”
“I wasn’t…” More tears, more sniffles. “I don’t know what I have to do so you’ll believe me, but I promise that I cut ties with Lan after that fire.”
“Obviously. All the times I saw you with him after, even now, clearly testify to that fact.”
“Jeremy…” Her voice softens, becoming gentle. “You need to let go of your illogical fixation that something is going on between me and Landon. There never was and never will be. I…I love you. Not him.You.”
A muscle tics in my jaw. “Is that what he also taught you to tell me?”
“No! What is wrong with you?” She cries harder. “I just told you that I love you and you still think this is a game?”
I wrap my fingers around her throat and squeeze. “I should’ve ended it the first time you called me by his name. I should’ve either fucking killed you or him.”
Her face reddens as she convulses against me, unable to free herself, and I can tell I’m going to snuff the life out of her.
That in a minute, she’ll be dead.
She chose him, not me.
What the fuck is wrong with me? When did I become an animal in every sense of the word?
How could I inflict such pain on her just because I’m being cut open by the truth I refused to see all this time?
Still, my demons thrash and revolt, demanding retribution. They screech and claw. They scream and chant.