I know it’s a victim-blaming mentality, but the moment I realized that, it was too late. My soul had already darkened, and nothing was left to be salvaged.
“You know how sometimes I zone out?” I continue, staring at the TV, which is playing some Netflix film. “It’s because of that. I also have severe sleep paralysis that’s an imitation of that night. I feel everything around me, but I can’t move. I scream for help, but no one can hear me. Before you ask, I couldn’t report him, because he had nude pictures of me that he would’ve made public and sent to Papa. He would have used them to ruin my grandparents' political and diplomatic reputations. My mum’s career. Everything. I just… I just didn’t want them to see me like that.”
I choke on my last word, and Ava envelops me in a hug.
“Oh, Cecy.” She cries in my neck, her tears slipping down my skin.
Glyn wraps her arms around me, too, sniffling quietly. “I’m so sorry, Ces. I’m so sorry we weren’t there.”
“You didn’t know. I made sure no one knew. Not even Papa or Mum. I thought I’d be fine, but I’m not. I thought everything would be okay, but I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I’msotired.”
The three of us cry in unison as they hug me tightly, shaking against me, their hands unsteady, as if they can feel every burst of my pain.
I hate that I’ve turned them into this mess, that I’ve become a burden, but I still take every bit of their support and cooing words.
Ava pulls back, her eyes red, face a mess of tears and snot. A look she hasn’t allowed anyone to see since she was a kid.
“I understand why you couldn’t or didn’t want to tell us, but if we had known, I would’ve killed that fucker with my bare hands.”
“I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I don’t think I am now either, but talking about it is the first step to getting over it. Besides, I didn’t want you guys to feel burdened by this.”
“Bullshit.” Glyn sniffles at my side. “We’ve been together since we were in nappies, Ces. We’re sisters from different misters, meaning we’re there for each other for better or worse.”
“Why would we feel burdened by a situation in which you were a victim? That’s bollocks! He should be the one feeling all these emotions and worse. He should apologize for being a fucking subhuman.” Ava’s voice breaks. “I’m sorry we didn’t notice.”
“You couldn’t have. I spent that summer with my grandparents and Uncle Kirian to recharge, so neither you nor my parents noticed anything. Now that you mentioned he turned himself in, I felt a tinge of relief mixed with anger at myself because he assaulted someone else. If I’d reported him that first time, he wouldn’t have done it again.”
“He threatened you,” Glyn says in a firm voice. “It’s not your fault. It’s his.”
“And here I thought you hadn’t dated since him because you couldn’t get over him.” Ava hits the side of her head. “Stupid me.”
“You’re not wrong. He did scare me away from all relationships, sexual or not.”
“I’m so sorry.” Ava’s voice is all choked up as tears well in her eyes. “I always went with Remi’s jokes about you being a prude without knowing the truth. I feel so horrible. I should’ve been a better friend, but I wasn’t. I’m so, so sorry, Cecy. I’m willing to do anything so you’ll forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. It’s not like you knew and did it on purpose.” I release a deep, tortured sigh. “I wish I’d stayed a prude. That way, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt again.”
“Oh, Ces.” Glyn strokes my arm. “What happened?”
“Is it about Jeremy?” Ava asks cautiously.
“Jeremy?” Glyn asks.
“We had a thing,” I tell her. “I’m not sure what that thing was, but he was the first person who noticed something wrong behind my zoning out and forced me to tell him about the Jonah thing.”
He was also the first person who gave me courage not only to pursue my fantasy, but also to not be ashamed of it. He opened my heart, my world, and made me feel pretty again. I liked wearing some skirts, shorts, and revealing stuff when we were alone, because he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
I used to be scared of relationships, but I wanted one with him.
Of course, I only realized all those things after I’d lost him.
“You and Jeremy?” Glyn repeats, incredulous. “The same Jeremy who’s Killian’s friend and Anni’s brother?”
I nod.
“I thought you guys were getting along,” Ava says hopefully. “You like him, right?”
“My feelings for him don’t matter. He cut me off.”